Lost
by lori51
Summary: It doesn't matter how long it's been. Samantha needs him; Jack is there. And this changes everything. J/S
1. Prologue: Chaos

**Author:** Lori 51

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Characters and songs do not belong to me.

**Category:** Without a Trace, J/S

**Drama/Romance**

**Timeline:** Five years after the series finale

**Summary:** Five years after their relationship came to an end, Jack and Sam remain friends and colleagues and nothing more. Both of them are alone. When Samantha is critically injured on a case while Jack is away, the team comes to see Jack as their last hope to penetrate the fog of her broken mind. Can he bring her back? Will nothing change, once she regains consciousness, or will everything?

**Prologue:** Chaos

Blood.

Gunshots.

Shouting.

Sirens.

Lights.

Blood.

Shouting.

So much blood.

_They were too late_, was Martin's first thought. She looked dead. There was too much blood. He had a quick flash to the last time they'd found her like this, though she'd looked good last time compared to this. Jack had picked her up so carefully then. But Jack wasn't here now.

Danny reached her first, heart in his throat, almost shocked when he found a pulse, faint and thready but there nonetheless. "Hurry!" he shouted.

The paramedics were working feverishly, not having to be told that any minute now and they wouldn't be needing the light bar, because the trip to her destination didn't need to be made in any kind of hurry. It would be too late for her.

Martin clenched his fists at his sides to keep him from launching himself at the guy that had survived the standoff; his compatriots hadn't been as lucky and were awaiting their body bags. If Jack were here, he wouldn't have to restrain himself. Hell, Jack would have beat the asshole into next week already. Part of him thought they this wouldn't be happening at all if Jack were here. But that didn't matter. Because he wasn't, and it was.

He made the mistake of looking up just as the EMT shook his head. _No pulse._

_Damn it!_ He surged forward just as Danny caught him and pulled him back, holding him back and barely holding him together. "Don't," he said quietly. "Just let them work."

He shook his head and jerked away, too raw right now to let himself be comforted by anything. This case had been disastrous from the beginning; they'd been a step behind the entire way. It was an epic fail, was all he could think. His head was too muddled to let anything else through right now, and when he caught his breath and found his lungs working more steadily again, he looked at Vivian. "We need to call Jack."

Vivian rolled her eyes. Her signature composure was particularly galling right now, Martin thought, gritting his teeth to keep from snapping at her. Even the usually calming tone of her voice made him want to smash something. "Jack is out of pocket right now, you know that. I'm not dragging him in from his first vacation in forever when there's nothing he can even do here. She'll receive the best care without him threatening every doctor and nurse in the county." She refrained from saying that it wasn't even his place anymore, because, though true, she knew he would dispute it and the boys would probably do it for him in his absence. Together or not, there would be no one else for him but Samantha. She thought anyone who knew the two of them would have to concede that point by now.

It was probably for the best that he wasn't in town for this, Vivian thought. It would kill him to see someone else at her side in his place. She sighed heavily. "Maybe we should call Brian."

Danny snorted. "Good luck finding him." That startled a look out of her that almost made him smile, and would have under any other circumstances. "What kind of investigator are you, that you didn't know that? It's been years, Viv, since he left town." In the dead of night, with all of Samantha's savings. He was still irritated that she'd refused to press charges, but she had gotten the bastard to relinquish all parental rights, and she'd told him that was worth an infinite amount of money to her. Priceless.

And he knew she hadn't wanted anyone to know. As far as she was concerned, she'd made her bed, and now she had to live with the consequences. She'd never forgiven herself for that lapse in judgment, he knew, and probably never would. She didn't date anymore, had given up on having a life outside of work and Finn, and was as stubborn and miserable as he knew for a fact that Jack was. Danny shook his head now, watching the paramedics work on her, the urgency of their actions not lost on him. "Martin's right. He should know."

Of course, they were all going to hear it as soon as they called him; it was why none of them wanted to be the one to do it. Even though they were technically just co-workers now, and had been for years, he was still overprotective of her, and was always on her about taking unnecessary risks. He wondered suddenly if Jack knew she was single, and had been for years now. That she loved him still, and always would. He doubted it. Danny knew that she hated herself for hurting him, and would never believe that she deserved another chance to be as happy as she'd been, with Jack Malone, for such a brief time.

Her heart restarted, her breathing was still labored when they loaded her into the back of the ambulance. Danny nudged Martin, who seemed almost in shock himself as he stood there, frustrated, with no way to help. "Go with her. I'll call Elena and have her pick up Finn from the daycare." It was summer vacation, and Finn spent his days at the same daycare where their children spent theirs.

Martin looked at Vivian, relieved when she nodded. "Go on, stay with her. We'll be by later."

He hopped up to sit beside Samantha, and Danny shook his head. It was as if she had taken over in the risk-taking department in Jack's temporary absence, and he had no idea what he was going to tell her son.

TBC...


	2. Lost in the Fog

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**One:** Lost in the Fog

Samantha Spade felt like her world was wrapped in gauze. She couldn't see or feel anything, could only hear what was going on around her and it seemed like everything was happening from miles away. Her mind whirled as she heard voices swirl around her in the deep blackness she'd been relegated to, and it was a Herculean task to make sense of any of them. Only the conviction that whatever they were discussing so passionately was of vital interest to her gave her the strength to sort the voices through what was left of her mind. She recognized Danny's voice, and Martin's, and Elena's, as they argued quietly from someplace nearby.

"We need to call him, Danny," Martin said quietly but forcefully. "He needs to be here. She needs him."

"Jack knows that Brian's gone; he's been picking Finn up some days and Hanna has been babysitting. They aren't together. There's no need for him to know. What if he doesn't want to know?" Danny asked worriedly.

"Together or not, he'll want to know," Elena put in softly. "This is Samantha, after all."

_Jack!_ Her mind cried out. The longing to see him right now swept through her being like a tidal wave, crushing in its intensity.

"Well, what if he shows up and she doesn't want to see him?" Danny asked.

_Damn you, Danny!_ She cursed him in her mind. He should know her better than that. There was never a time when she didn't want to see him. Even when she was pissed beyond belief at him, she still couldn't keep herself away from him. He was an addiction she now knew she would never be free of.

_Jack!_ He could help her even if no one else could. How she knew this she couldn't say, but the need for him burned hot in her now, obliterating all other thoughts racing through her cobwebbed mind. Just to hear his voice one more time… just to feel his touch one more time would be… a miracle. _Would be everything._

"It's been two weeks, Danny, and there's been no change," Martin said quietly. "We're losing her. We have to call him."

_Two weeks!_ Where was she? What in the hell had happened? She wanted to answer him so badly and had no idea how to do it. Nothing was working the way she wanted it to. Frustrated, caged, enshrouded where she was, wherever that was, Samantha had no choice but listen and wait.

"If anyone can bring her out of this, it's Jack. Even Finn couldn't reach her," Elena said sadly, and her heart cried out again, in anguish this time.

_No! Not Finn!_ Her baby boy could _always_ reach her, she wanted to scream. He was the reason she got out of bed every morning, just to see that beautiful smile and hug him tightly. Wherever she was, she conceded that she needed Jack, if only because she always needed him, and always had.

But she wasn't going along with this plan. _No!_ her mind shouted, even as some part of her mind knew that no one could hear her. She didn't deserve him, after the way she had hurt him. She let the memories wash over her now, because that was all that was left for her. She had denied herself of even those for so long, because the guilt was just too painful and because hindsight was twenty-twenty. Only now could she see how hard he had tried to make her happy, and just how close he had come.

Bitterly she tried to force back the memories as they rushed over her like ocean waves pulled inexorably by the tide. She didn't deserve the comfort they had always afforded her, the warmth that flooded her with the remembrance of the gentleness of his touch, of the sound of his deep voice low and husky in her ear. But there was no stopping the rising tide of her memories now. They were all she had.

_His deep chuckle echoed in the quiet of her room in the cheap motel room they had booked in LA. "Wish we had a better room in a better place," he remarked ruefully, "maybe with a lounge where I could take you dancing." Something they had never done. His eyes found hers in the low light, and the sincerity she saw in them moved her as it always had. "Doesn't feel right to just take you to bed."_

_Samantha had smiled at him. "We've waited long enough. I don't need wooing, Jack. That kiss in the park was all the romance I need. Right now, I just need you. Maybe I want you to just take me to bed." God, it had been so long… too long. _

_Instantly he had stopped moving further into the room and turned to her. "Maybe I think you deserve better." She knew without hearing the words that he didn't just mean here, now, tonight. He meant this whole thing: him. He meant that he thought she deserved better than him, and it wasn't a new sentiment. He had always felt that way. _

_She lifted her fingers to his cheek, skimming it softly, almost reverently, before cupping his face in her hand, staring into his eyes, taking a long pause to just look at him before she let her hand slide behind his neck and into his short hair. "There is nothing better," she told him quietly, resolutely, hoping her words and her tone and the feeling in her eyes were able to convey the conviction she felt. There was no one better for her than this man, and wouldn't ever be. _

_His eyes slid shut briefly, whether in awe, gratitude or disbelief she would never know, and when they opened again on hers, they were both softened with love and lit with passion. Without another word he had leaned into her and kissed her, just as he had on the park bench, trying to show her just how much he felt, that all of who and what he was, was for her. _

_He framed her face with his hands, pulling her closer as he kissed her like he could not and would not ever get enough. When they finally pulled apart for necessary oxygen, he couldn't stop the slow smile that spread itself across his face as her scent and her taste and the feel of her skin on his made him giddier than he could have thought possible, and Samantha felt the impact of that sincere smile in her chest and in her bones and in her blood. It felt like she had wanted him forever, had loved him for longer than that. _

_It was difficult to wrap her mind around the possibility that he could finally—finally—be hers, at long last. She was torn between wanting to wrap herself around him and devour him and the longing to take all the time in the world and savor every moment. Smiling back at him with what she knew was a hopelessly love struck look in her eyes, she kissed him again, this time licking her way into his mouth and tasting the moan that action dislodged from deep within his chest. She felt the exact moment that the energy between them changed, becoming electric sometime between the time their tongues began to tangle heatedly and the instant her mouth worked its way down to nibble at his neck. Before she knew it, she was nipping and licking at his skin as her hands pushed off his jacket and demolished his tie, his low growl only serving to inflame her further. _

_She forced herself to take her time with his buttons, painstakingly working them free one by one, holding his eyes with hers, when what she really wanted was to rip it open and let the buttons fly. The need to be skin on skin was suddenly more urgent than her next breath. His hands were not idle as well, though somehow he found the patience to gentle his touch as he skimmed them along the contours of her face, through her hair and down her back, up along her arms and shoulders, and down her sides. Eventually his fingers found the zipper at the back of her dress, sliding it down teasingly slowly, making sure to dip his fingers inside every chance he got, reveling in her long low moans of pleasure as that barest of touches ignited inch after inch of sensitized bare skin. When the zipper finally stopped moving at the base of her spine, his fingers trailed up again, lightly, sliding into each side of the fabric to spread them apart and slide them off of her lovely shoulders, letting gravity take over and watching intently as the black fabric slid slowly over the contours of her body to pool at her feet just as she finally slid his shirt from his shoulders, and then impatiently yanked up his undershirt to get her hands on his skin._

_Frozen, struck dumb and unable to move by the sight of all that bare skin and muscle in front of her, Samantha finally sighed and lifted her hands to his neck, grazing her fingertips lightly over his skin, enjoying the way his muscles bunched under his skin as if they recognized her touch after such a long absence. She ran them lightly over his chest and stomach, her mouth and tongue enjoying the process of re-learning his taste as they made their way down his chest while her now-clumsy fingers worked on his belt buckle. _

_Knowing exactly where she was headed and not about to let that happen, not this first time, Jack pulled her back up to kiss her ravenously as she pushed his pants over his hips, acquiescing without a word to push him down onto the bed and follow him down, straddling his hips and falling headfirst into lust of a magnitude she had never experienced with anyone but him as his hands roamed her body, drawing a breathless moan from her lips as he palmed her ass, pulling her against him fully. It had been so long—too, too long—but her body remembered this and sang now under his touch. It felt right as nothing had in too many years to count. She knew now that anyone else had been a pale imitation of the feelings this man had always inspired in her, and knew just as well that there would never be a substitute for this man in her heart, or her body. For her, he was it. _

_She gasped as he forcibly ripped off her bra and panties, both the heat and the adoration in his eyes now burning her alive. "Samantha," he rasped as she rose above him completely and gloriously naked and he growled his approval, taking hold of her hips to lower her down onto him slowly, glorying in her groan of pleasure and the love and desire in her eyes as they came together for the first time in so long. _Perfect.

Danny, Elena and Martin watched and waited in both terror and anticipation for any change, scanning her carefully for any twitch or movement, but in the end they were disappointed. Her heart rate had rose so suddenly and alarmingly that it had in turn spiked their own. Looking at each other again, resignation dawned. No matter the fallout from this phone call, they would take it. There was no choice. Jack was her last hope.

TBC...


	3. Peace and Renewal

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Two:** Peace and renewal

The sky was lit in a breathtaking palette of color as the sun made its gradual descent, and it felt like it was created for them alone as Jack Malone walked along the beach barefoot with his girls. A peace he hadn't felt in ages, maybe never, had crept over him and was now seeping steadily into his soul. They walked slowly, in no hurry, as they had no place to go and no particular time to be there. He was in the middle, his arms draped lightly over Hanna and Kate's shoulders as theirs were wound around his waist. They talked comfortably and laughed with each other, and right now he could truthfully say there was no place in the world he would rather be.

He had spent almost a month with them, just them, and no one else, and found himself doing a lot of soul-searching, the irony of that peculiarity not lost on him. He had purposely not found time for anything of the kind in years, and look where that had gotten him. Not that he was complaining. Somehow the closeness that he had not shared with his girls since they were little and thought the sun rose and fell with him was back, and though different, it was even better somehow, because they knew him so much better than they had then, and loved him regardless. He loved them like he always had, only he thought he was getting better at it, freer with it, less doubting and questioning of every thought and every action the way he had once been. He knew he had Samantha to thank for that, for trusting him with Finn when he hadn't even trusted himself, when he had more or less written off this amazing relationship he had with his daughters because he thought they deserved better than him. This time with them was priceless, and he felt renewed and relaxed, almost ready to go back to real life even though he never wanted this time to end. It had been perfect.

They walked in comfortable silence, and a smile crossed his face as he thought of her. In the five years since they'd been apart, there had been no one else for him, except for a few dates that had gone nowhere. He was pretty sure now that there wouldn't ever be. When he tried to pinpoint the times in his life when he'd been happiest and the people in his life he'd been happiest with, Maria no longer came to mind. It was Samantha now, and he no longer saw her in his mind as she'd been, or the two of them together as they'd been when they'd been younger and guilt and deceit had shared every room they'd inhabited together. He saw her as she was now, and thought that the years had added more layers to her beauty, all of the experiences and joys and sorrows adding a depth to her smile and the looks that her eyes held every time she looked at him, or at anyone. Same with motherhood. It had added a facet to her smile that appealed to him almost nonsensically, and he would have thought it impossible that she could ever become more beautiful to him than the first time he saw her, but she had.

He was a pragmatist, a realist, and he didn't believe any bullshit mumbo-jumbo about soul mates or true love or love at first sight or any crap like that. All he knew was that Samantha Spade knew him better, at this point in his life, than anyone else on the planet, and she loved him regardless. Or perhaps because of what she knew. He smiled again at the thought, because he knew she would say that she loved him because of all those things she knew about him and not in spite of them, and he knew she did. That was miraculous in itself. Even though it had been years since they were together, he somehow knew that that hadn't changed. She hadn't changed all that much, and neither had he, in that regard.

Life after Brian had settled for them a long time ago. All he knew was that he had been so busy fighting back his own jealousy and his own bitterness at the unfairness of the ways things had turned out that he hadn't realized when the guy was out of the picture. He had no idea why they had never discussed it, why they had never talked about getting back together, only that the friendship they had somehow managed to salvage had never faltered. If she had needed comfort over the demise of that relationship, she had known enough to recognize that it wouldn't come from him. He was still closer to her than he was to anyone else. He still trusted her more than he did anyone else. He had continued to spend time with Finn as he always had, and took pride in watching that happy baby turn into a happy well-adjusted active boy. For all of Sam's issues in her personal life, she loved that little boy with everything she had, and put him first in all things. She had long stopped thanking him for being a part of her son's life and simply accepted it.

Hanna and Kate loved him like a little brother, and Hanna had made a lot of extra money babysitting Finn when cases had ran late, or into the weekends. After graduating from high school, she had stayed on with him to go to college nearby, and was only now making noises about finding her own place with a few close friends from school. While it still hurt his heart a little to think of his little girl on her own, she was a smart twenty-one-year old with a firm grip on who she was and what she wanted, and he knew that it was time. She would be graduating soon, and while he hoped she'd stay nearby, he knew he had to let her follow her heart where it took her.

He was glad they had taken this time, together, during their summer breaks, and that his girls had wanted him along. It meant more to him than anything. It didn't hurt that Maria was out of town on a long honeymoon, after marrying a nice enough guy in a lavish ceremony that Jack had politely declined to attend, because he knew it was only issued out of her sense of decorum. He and Maria had long made their peace, and he knew it was a measure of that accord that he had her blessing to be here with their girls now, and for the plans that were in tentative place that Kate would come to live with him as soon as she graduated from high school while she went to college.

He smiled at his girls. "Ready to head back?"

The walk back was once again filled with teasing and laughter, and he didn't even realize he had left his phone in the condo until they walked through the door and he saw that it was lit up and vibrating. One new message.

The girls were still talking when he finished listening to the message and ended the call, setting the phone down as if it might explode with the slightest pressure. The blood seemed to drain from his face in an instant as he stood there at the dresser staring sightlessly ahead of him at nothing. Kate and Hanna looked at each other as he stumbled back to the bed and collapsed onto it, eyes closing, his head in his hands. _God, no. Not Samantha._ He couldn't lose her. He knew now that whatever he had thought in the past was wrong. He wasn't ready to let her go, and doubted that he ever would be.

TBC...


	4. Last Hope

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Three:** Last Hope

Danny sat on the back steps of the house he shared with Elena and their family. He knew he would never take what he'd found for granted, not for one day, not for one moment, and he still marveled every day at the circumstances of life that could bring two people together and allow them to complete each other while others seemed unable to make it work and seemed bound only for heartache.

Jack Malone was a lot of things, to be sure. He had plenty of faults, but he was a good man, and he deserved to be happy. He was family now, just as Samantha was, and it frustrated him that he had never been able to talk sense into either of them, with logic and reasoning that he thought would appeal to them both. Anyone could see how much the two of them loved each other, always had and always would. He found them both amusing and exasperating.

They were two of the most intelligent people he had ever known, and they both took martyrdom to new heights. He thought he may be the only one who understood Samantha's decision most of the time, as she barely acknowledged it to herself. It was easy to see that her childhood had played a large part, along with her devotion to her son, in the line of thinking that she owed it to Finn to try to make things work with his biological father. To put him and his happiness first, before her own.

What she couldn't see was that the kid just wanted her to be happy, like all kids did, and her sacrifice was made only for the ghosts of her own childhood, as it hadn't worked out in the end. But had she seen the error of her thinking and fixed things with the man who still—_always_—loved her? Of course not. She felt she didn't deserve him, so she'd resigned herself to being alone.

And Jack should have known that. He was an extremely talented investigator, usually very skilled in reading between the lines and making connections. He should've been able to put two and two together and get four. Instead he was so blinded by his own self-doubt and his belief that she would be better off with someone younger, someone less damaged and with less baggage, that he refused to see what was right in front of him.

Danny had given up trying to knock their heads together years ago. He had contemplated locking the two of them in an interrogation room together and refusing to let them out until they settled things between them too many times to count. As he watched his children play with Finn in the back yard, marveling at the resilience of children as they laughed as if nothing was wrong, he wondered if they had done the right thing. Calling Jack had been a difficult decision to make, but he knew, when he heard the stunned devastation in the man's voice, that it had been the right one. Elena was right, as she usually was. Things between Samantha and Jack weren't simple, and weren't as clear-cut as each of them made them out to be. Those two weren't over, and never would be. Whether they knew it or not.

He heard the screen door open and looked up to see Jack and the girls step out, Elena right behind them with the worry etched between her brows that he knew too well. "Hey, you guys," he greeted warmly, both for his friend and his daughters. Standing, he hugged the girls and then clapped Jack on the back. "It's good to see you."

"Hey, Danny," Jack said with a small smile, the grim appreciation for the call there in his eyes. They stood there as the girls ran down the steps and hugged all of the little ones, but especially Finn with those warm brown eyes that were an exact replica of his mother's. Danny watched the man's face as his eyes lit on Finn, laughing as Hanna swept him up in her arms, and saw the hard features soften as he watched the boy. Smiling a little, he followed slowly, waiting for his daughter to put the boy down again before he said hello and leaned down for a boisterous hug.

Finn's face lit up again instantly. "Jack! You're back! I missed you!"

Jack felt his heart squeeze tightly as he enfolded the boy in his arms and felt the little arms cling tightly to his shoulders, hugging him back with vigor. "I missed you, too, little man," he said gruffly. God, how he loved this child. Blood or not, this beautiful boy was his and always would be. His heart squeezed again as Finn pulled back to look into his eyes. "Mommy's sick, Jack," he said with gravity. "She won't wake up."

"I know, buddy. Uncle Danny called me."

"Can you make her better, Jack? Can you make her wake up and smile again?" The warmth that suffused his chest at the childish conclusion that he had that power stunned him. Of course he would think him all-powerful. To him, Jack was a hero, a comfort, the one that made things better when he failed to score a goal or fell off of his bike and skinned his knee. He was there, and had always been there. He had taught him how to ride a bike, how to catch a ball, how to throw. He tried very hard not to miss a game. He had found a second chance with Finn, to be the kind of dad he deserved, the kind of dad he wished he'd known how to be when his girls were young, and he took it seriously now. He was always there, no matter what. That was all Finn knew. He hadn't had the chance yet to disappoint this boy or push him away, to disillusion him with his own failures, and he vowed that he would never let that happen.

"I'm gonna do my best, buddy," he said quietly, and grunted as Finn threw himself at him against his chest again, launching himself into his arms and sending them both tumbling into the grass in a tangle , both of them laughing as it turned into an impromptu tickle war. From the steps, Danny and Elena watched from where she'd joined him, her chin propped on his shoulder and her arms wound around his chest, smiles crossing their faces as they watched Jack with Finn, their deep and easy connection impossible to miss.

When they finally surfaced, brushing off the grass and still laughing, Finn looked up at Jack very seriously. "Can we go see Mom now?" Jack bit back his first response of _hell, no_. He didn't want Finn or the girls to be with him the first time he saw her because he had a very good idea that he wasn't going to take it well. He may well fall apart. But if this was something the boy needed then he'd do it, somehow.

He took a breath. "You don't want to wait and go see her tomorrow? You don't want to come home with me and the girls first, spend the night?"

The little boy's eyes lit up. "Can I? That'd be awesome! Can we go see Mom first, and then go to your place?"

Jack couldn't hold back his smile. He truly was his mother's son. "Sure, little man, we can do that." Although how in the hell he was going to get through it he had no earthly idea. He looked up to find the girls and was astonished at the depth of understanding he saw in his eldest daughter's eyes. Somehow when he wasn't looking she had grown up, and she now knew him far too well. She nodded, taking his hand in hers, as if she knew how difficult this was going to be for him, and was letting him know she'd be there with him. He pulled her close with an arm around her shoulders and kissed her forehead, just so glad for her that he didn't know how else to express it.

TBC...


	5. Enshrouded

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**A/N:** Thanks for reading and reviewing. I know it's pretty sad and depressing right now, but it will get better, promise!

**Four:** Enshrouded

Samantha didn't know how many days had passed; she had no way to measure the time. She couldn't count on the times when she was alert enough to recognize voices and comprehend what they were saying around her. They were far too sporadic for that. All she knew was that she lived for those times, when she could force herself to concentrate on a voice or a touch and could actually make her mind make sense of them. Martin and Danny came regularly, she thought, and Elena who usually brought Finn. She figured that Danny and Elena had taken Finn home with them, because when her sweet boy came he was always with one of them. God, she loved them, and owed them so much. She knew they'd take good care of her son. They would do anything for him, and for her, and she was so beyond grateful for them.

Martin, too, was a good friend now, and her only regret was that she had gone into that relationship for the wrong reasons, and had hurt him. That had never been her intention. She felt him pick up her hand and hold it, and while it didn't do a thing for her heart rate, it was a comfort to know that someone was there, that for just a moment, she wasn't alone. She seemed to be alone so much now, and had grown to hate it like she never had before. Her mind was unable to focus when she was alone, and there was nothing but blackness, a void that seemed to swallow her whole. She wondered when the day would come that it would finish the process, and she would simply cease to be.

She didn't know how much time had passed, days, weeks, or years, only that one minute she was alone and the next she was not. Voices exploded in her mind, new voices, and her beleaguered mind struggled to make sense of them. _Finn!_ She felt his little hands take hers carefully, and felt his sweet wet kiss on her skin. Finn! How she ached to answer him, to see his face just one more time, to see his eyes light up with love for her just one more time. Suddenly she felt warmth on her face, and was unable to identify it. Then a wet kiss on her lips, and then on her cheek, and she felt the limitless love she had for her son suffuse her entire being without warning. His touch felt so good. And this was a first; someone must have picked him up to kiss her face. No one had ever thought to do that before. It was a priceless gift, and she was overwhelmed with gratitude.

Vaguely she heard voices, and then nothing. She thought she could hear the door close, and her heart sank. Alone, again.

And then she felt warmth, unexpected and brief, like a light cutting straight through the darkness that enshrouded her. There it was again, a touch on her hand, her arm, fingers stroking, tentative and fleeting. Her heart began to pound as she registered their unmistakable warmth. _Oh God, it couldn't be._ He wouldn't have come. She had made sure of that. He wouldn't…

But the touches came again, more confident this time, more sure, and she knew that regardless of what she had done, regardless of what she deserved, her prayers had somehow been answered. He had come to her. She'd know his touch anywhere, through the blackest, deepest darkness. No one else had ever affected her this way, and she knew now that no one ever would. _Jack!_

She longed to touch him, to open her eyes and see his face, and the frustration that she couldn't burned hot within her. Every inch of her skin that he touched felt warm and alive, and she wanted to scream at him, to beg him to touch all of her, to bring her back to life. Finally she felt his hand settle over hers, a warm, heavy, welcome weight, and then his fingers intertwined with hers, and it was the best thing she thought she'd ever felt in her life.

Focusing hard, she heard the rough, low rumble of his voice, and even though she couldn't make out the words, it didn't matter. Just the sound of his voice wrapped around her and warmed her skin and her blood and her bones. How could she have ever thought she could possibly live without this man? He had always been as vital to her as oxygen, and only now was she feeling just how much she needed him. When everything else was stripped away, all her duties and responsibilities and issues and insecurities, all that was really left was him. She had never been able to turn it off, to stop loving him or take back that part of her heart that would always belong to him. Now that it was too late, she wished she hadn't been so stupid and stubborn, and just told him. What would he have said if she had told him that she knew she didn't deserve him, not after the way she'd thrown away what they had, but she still loved him, always loved him? She would never know now.

He had gone quiet again, and she would have thought he had left, except that she could still feel the warmth of his hand around hers. Didn't she? Couldn't she? Or did she just think he was here because she wanted him here so very badly? The not knowing began to panic her, and she felt her heart rate increase until she thought the damn thing might explode from her chest. _No! Jack!_

And then she felt a sudden warmth on her face and her entire being stilled. Was it…? She felt warmth, and wetness, and it seemed like an eternity passed before she was able to process that he was there, close to her face, his warm breath fanning her cheek while… what was… oh, _God_, his tears. This man that never, _ever_ cried was crying… for her. She ached to reach for his face, to brush his tears from his cheeks, to tell him that there was no need, that she was here, that she was _his_, that she had always been his. She felt the warmth race over her cheeks a drop at a time, racing down her face, suffusing her skin with feeling just as his touch did. She felt a drop roll down past her lips, and then the salty drop exploded on her tongue in a rush of sensation, the first taste she had had in her mouth in what felt like a million years. And it made her ache to taste him again, a need so strong that she didn't know how she would survive without it.

She felt his fingers on her cheeks, brushing away his tears, and then she felt the softness of his lips on her forehead, as he planted a long, soft kiss there, his fingers stroking carefully over her face, his voice low and intimate in her ear, and finally, _finally,_ she could process his words. _I need you, Samantha. You have to come back to me._

She thought she could hear her heart crack into pieces. She knew she could feel it break, the pain and at the same time the wholly unexpected joy making her feel more alive than she had in ages. Maybe all of her life. _I will_, she told him in her mind. _I always will. I've always been yours, and always will be. _

She mourned the loss as she felt him move away from her face, still reeling from so many sensations he had caused in her body, mind and heart, and she knew only that he still held her hand in his, and rejoiced in the connection, focused on it alone, like it alone would set her free.

TBC...


	6. I need you

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**A/N:** Thanks for sticking with this story through its dreary beginning. I am a sucker for a happy ending, and I promise that all my stories will have happy endings, and I will never abandon them unfinished, even though the demands of real life might slow them, at times. This one is nearly finished, however, so there should be no long gaps! Happy New Year, and be safe out there! :)

**Five:** I need you

After thanking Danny and Elena for watching Finn for so long, which of course they brushed off—they were family, after all—Jack had buckled the ebullient boy into his booster seat in the back of his car and they headed for the hospital, with Kate holding Finn's attention in the back seat while Hanna watched him warily from her seat next to him in the front. She was worried about him, he knew, but she didn't need to be. He wasn't going to explode. He could handle this. His need to get to Samantha was as strong as it had been when he'd gotten Danny's call last night—had it been that long ago? No, that wasn't true. It was stronger now, intensified by every second, every minute that it took to get to her side.

The guilt for not being here ate at him, clawed at his gut, at his heart, and he struggled to push it back. This _wasn't_ his fault. It wasn't. Rationally he knew it, but he still felt responsible for his team whether Vivian had been acting team leader or not. They were his family, and it was his responsibility to look after them. In truth, he had always felt the full responsibility for Samantha, whether they were together at the time or not. He hadn't always admitted it, even to himself, but it had always been true. She was_ his_, and always would be.

Pulling into the hospital parking lot, he thought of all the times that she had been there for him, all the times that she had been sitting there, next to his hospital bed, waiting patiently for him to wake up. He had always been surprised, and then had wondered why. She had shown him with her actions that she would always be there, and he wondered now what it was in him that had always doubted her, that had always felt unworthy of her worry and her friendship and her love. He wondered if she would be surprised to see him when she finally woke—because the alternative wasn't an option and he refused to entertain it as one, even for an instant—and decided that she probably would. Whether that was due to him or due to her, he wouldn't try to answer now. He just had to show her with his actions that he was here for her, in whatever capacity she wanted him to be, and always would be. His need to be there, to show her with his actions that his unconditional love was a given, burned hot within him now. Nothing else mattered.

He walked through the doors with the girls on both sides of him, as if they felt the need to protect him now, which they probably did, and Finn's hand held tightly in Hanna's. Finding her room, Jack was shocked into immobility by the sight of her there, in that bed, looking so lifeless. It was the complete opposite of the way he always saw her in his mind: so strong, so vivacious and vibrant and so damn full of life and love that it sometimes made his chest hurt to look at her; he loved her that damn much. It had been nearly three weeks now, he knew, and most of her injuries had healed, her face looking mostly back to normal, most of the bruises having faded and the once-livid cut over her brow fading to a dark red line. Her head was still bandaged, and he could tell where her head had been shaved for surgery. She looked pale and bloodless now, a shadow of herself, and he wished again that he had been able to tell Finn no so that the kids weren't here now. He wanted to yell at someone. Anyone. He wanted to put his fist through a wall. But he couldn't, because he had to be strong for their kids. He had to be the dad right now.

Somehow, frozen as he was, he held it together as Finn left his side unbidden and crossed to her to hold her hand and talk to her softly, and he and the girls walked up behind him, resting their hands on his little shoulders as his voice caught, little lower lip trembling as he held back his tears. Jack picked him up, holding him tightly to his chest as the boy cried into his shirt, and then he found his gaze as the little boy finally cried himself out. "Wanna give her a kiss?" he asked quietly, and Finn smiled instantly and nodded. He held him carefully and let him lean over to kiss her lips, and then her cheek, and then Finn turned back into his arms and wrapped his arms around his neck in a wordless hug. "Thanks, Jack," he beamed.

Hanna moved in and took the boy, knowing that he needed time alone for this. "Come on, buddy, let's go find some ice cream." She looked back at Samantha, lying so still in the bed. "I hope you get better," she said quietly, and then she let Finn down to the floor and took his hand, while Kate took the other and they left the room and left Jack alone with her for the first time.

He sighed, moving to a chair and pulling it closer to the bed. God, this was torture. And yet, as bad as it was, as bad as she looked right now, this was the closest he had been to her in longer than he could remember. Gathering his courage, he studied her hand lying on the sheet, looking pale and small and so fragile, remembering the strength it held, remembering all the times she had fought for him, had comforted him, had loved him with all she had.

Slowly he ran his fingers over hers, trailing them lightly over the back of her hand, over her wrist and up her forearm, and then back down again. Feeling the softness of her skin and the warmth beneath it, thinking than even this slightest of touches was a gift beyond measure. He watched his fingers trail over hers, turning her hand over carefully, watching his fingers twine with hers as if of their own volition, as if they belonged there. He sat there for what felt like forever, just looking at their hands together, fingers intertwined, her hand held protectively in his bigger one, the memories firing off in his brain of other times when he had done just this, just sat with her, in silence, her hand in his. In times of happiness, in times of sadness, in times of passion and comfort.

He didn't blame her for what she had done to them. How could he? He had done the same, to her. Both of them had had no clue of how to go about being good, caring, loving parents. All they had known was that they loved their children more than anything they had ever known and would do anything in their power to make them happy. He understood that feeling far too well, and he had tried to make things work with Maria far beyond what he should have because he thought his daughters had deserved it, because he had wanted to make them happy, to give them the gift of a happy family.

He couldn't fault Samantha for that, and never had. He only wished things had worked out for her, because he wanted her to be happy, always, even if it wasn't with him. He didn't know the specifics of what had happened with Brian, and didn't want to know. He had a pretty good idea why she had never come to him, never said a word, never asked to talk, never asked him to try again. In that regard, the two of them were very much alike. Both of them tended to take the weight of the world on their shoulders. Neither found themselves deserving of love after all of the mistakes they had made.

He moved his eyes from their hands to her face, with effort. God, he loved her so much. The idea that he would never see those brilliant eyes on his again was repugnant to him. That he wouldn't ever see them again lit up with laughter, with passion, even with anger felt wrong. He thought that he had seen every expression known to man cross her features, most of it directed at him. He knew he could inspire the strongest emotions in her, both light and dark, and he knew she could in him as well. He had once thought that she was the light to his darkness, but now he wasn't sure. He knew he had light in him, as well, even though only her and their kids seemed to be able to bring it out of him, mosto of the time. He was a different person with her than he usually showed the rest of the world, and he knew she was different with him as well. Always had been.

He had no idea what to do, no idea of what to say. The nurse had smiled sympathetically at him, knowing that her family—her real family—had called him, not knowing what else to do. She'd told him that her mother and her sister had been by, and there had been no change. She told him just to talk to her, that that would help, and as he looked at her now, he tried desperately to clear his head, to marshal his thoughts and figure out what it was that he needed to say. He knew he would say anything right now to bring her back to him.

He took a deep breath and started talking. "Hey," he said, squeezing her hand in his. "Sorry to keep you waiting. I just found out. Danny called me last night. I would have come the minute I heard. I hope you know that. I hope you know that nothing—_nothing_—could have kept me away. Not even fucking Brian, if he were here." He imagined the look she would give him at that, if she were awake, and chuckled.

"I may have had to give you up, but there's no way in hell you can make me like it. You're mine, in my heart, and you always will be. Nothing is ever going to change that. Danny said Martin wanted to call me the second they found you, argued for it even while the paramedics were fighting to save your life. Vivian said no, not to bother me on my vacation with the girls. It was a great vacation. We had a great time, just me and my girls, but I would trade it for this not to have happened. I would trade it to have been there in your place. I might not have done as well as you undercover in this particular scenario, but I still would give anything to be here, in this bed, instead of you."

"They told me what happened, what you did, what you had to do to get those kids out of there, and I have to say I'm pissed as hell at you right now. Jesus, Sam, you could have gotten yourself killed! Very nearly did. You need to wake up so I can give you the lecture I've been working on since last night. You have a little boy who loves you, Samantha. You have no business taking a risk like that and leaving him alone. You have no business taking a risk like that and leaving _me_ alone." His voice cracked as emotion hit him hard, swamping his heart as he realized how close he'd come this time to losing her. He leaned closer, his face hovering over hers, watching his tears drip onto her face and slide down her lifeless skin.

He half hoped that they would startle her, awaken her suddenly like in the movies, and he had to smile at his own flight of fancy. Still holding her hand in his, he lifted the other to her face, gently brushing off the moisture he'd left there, staring at her features as if that alone would bring her back. Finally he pressed his lips to her forehead, kissing her softly, hoping to convey just a fraction of the overwhelming love he had for her in that one small action. "I need you, Samantha," he told her roughly. "You have to come back to me."

Satisfied that he'd made himself clear, for once in his life, he settled back into the chair, folding his other hand over hers where it still rested in his, vowing then and there that if he ever had the chance, he would make sure she knew that he loved her fiercely, with everything he had and everything he was, and never let the chance go by to show her.

TBC...


	7. Easy as Cake

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Six:** Easy as cake

He hadn't noticed that her heartbeat had quickened when he'd first touched her, and he was startled when the machine started beeping loudly, and there were footsteps behind him, as the door jerked open, and nurses came rushing in.

But he couldn't be bothered to notice them, because he had felt her hand tighten in his, just for a moment, and his mouth dropped open in shock, awe, disbelief. Jesus Christ, had she heard him? Had she actually heard him? He rose quickly, heedless of the doctor striding in and asking him to please step back as he leaned over her again.

"I'm here, baby. Samantha, I'm here. Come back to me, baby, please. I need you. Finn needs you. We love you, so much. Please, Sam, if you can hear me, do it again. Squeeze my hand again."

She did, faintly, although her features didn't change and she didn't wake. He sat back down, thoroughly exhausted, her hand still held tightly between the both of his. He looked up at the doctor, his grin so wide he thought his face would crack, laughing in disbelief. Fucking Martin was right. Son of a bitch.

"She squeezed my hand twice," he said hoarsely, as everyone stared at him, and began to smile. The girls walked back in with Finn, and Jack wrapped his arm around the boy. "She's gonna be okay, buddy. She's on her way back to us."

When they got home, Hanna put on some kid movie with talking animals that had all three kids laughing, while Jack just sat and watched them. His heart hurt. When it was over, Kate wandered off to Hanna's room while Hanna gave Finn a bath and got him ready for bed. Jack went in and kissed him good-night and then went back to the sofa with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. He thought it was probably only for the kids' sake that he was even bothering with a glass tonight as he poured the whiskey and took a stiff drink.

Hanna came back in and looked at him, one brow raised. "Are you drinking alone tonight, or did you want company?"

He shrugged. He felt numb.

Hanna went to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. She wasn't much of a drinker, but she enjoyed a little wine now and then. She sat across from him, saying nothing. She knew she didn't need to pass judgment; no one could be harder on her father than he was on himself.

He felt her eyes on him and looked over at her with a smile. "If it wasn't for you I'd be shit-faced drunk and passed out on this couch by now."

She just looked at him. "Is that what you did when Mom left you and took us to Chicago?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

It made her sad to think of him here, all alone. She understood why her mother had done it, but it still made her sad for her father. "Mom made it sound like you were happy to have us gone, so you could have Samantha."

He snorted. "She would." She had never understood that it hadn't been Samantha at fault for the end of their marriage, that it had been down to the two of them. "We weren't together again until after Finn was born." Years later. He never understood why that was, and couldn't explain it. He guessed that he and Samantha made things harder for themselves than they really had to, and were still doing it. He wondered why they had to make things so complicated, when they were really simple. Something like this happened and made him see that it was all so simple.

They sat in companionable silence most of the time, sometimes drinking and sometimes talking, and he had to agree it was better than drinking alone. After awhile Kate came in with an old iPod that had been Hanna's before she'd gotten her iPhone. She handed it to Hanna and grinned. "Already done?" her sister asked in surprise, and she smiled. "Easy as cake." Jack had to smile at that. When Kate was little, he had been trying to explain idioms to her, and she had never understood "easy as pie." She had said that she didn't like pie, so she thought the saying should be "easy as cake," and it had stuck. It was now part of their family culture. Kate went back to Hanna's room, and Hanna handed the device to her father.

"We made a playlist for Samantha," she told him quietly. "I thought tomorrow when we go to the hospital we could leave it and have the nurses play it when we're not there. Maybe it'll help. We put songs that we thought were apt for you and Samantha."

Although he cringed at the kinds of songs his daughters had undoubtedly chosen for them, he had to be moved by the sentiment behind them. He scrolled the list of songs and raised an eyebrow, looking at her drily. "That's a lot of Coldplay. Aren't those the guys that depress the crap outta me?"

Hanna giggled. "If the shoe fits, Dad."

He just sighed. "I don't really want to listen to these songs, do I?"

She just smiled and curled into his side with her glass of wine in her hand. "You don't have to if you don't want to. Those songs reminded me of you and Sam. They might make you bawl like a baby," she teased him, and he just rolled his eyes.

"What makes you think you know me that well, little girl?" he demanded, and she smiled, because for all his tough talk, they talked a lot now. She thought she knew him better now than anyone, except maybe the woman he was in love with.

"And whose fault is that now?"

He snorted and took a large swig of whiskey, hitting play as music filled the room.

_When you try your best, but you don't succeed… When you get what you want, but not what you need…_

_When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep… Stuck in reverse…_

_And the tears come streaming down your face… When you lose something you can't replace…_

_When you love someone but it goes to waste… could it be worse?_

_Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you. _

_High up above, or down below… when you're too in love to let it go…_

_But if you never try, you'll never know just what you're worth. _

_Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you._

_Tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace._

_Tears stream down your face and I… tears stream down your face… _

_I promise you I will learn from my mistakes. Tears stream down your face, and I…_

_Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you. _

He swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand and refilled his glass, mumbling "I hate Coldplay."

Hanna smirked as the next song begun, and he just sighed.

_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are. _

_I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart._

_Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions, oh let's go back to the start._

_Running in circle, coming in tails, heads on a science apart. _

_Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part._

_Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start._

_I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart. _

_Questions of science, science and progress, did not speak as loud as my heart. _

_Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, oh when I rush to the start._

_Running in circles, chasing tails, coming back as we are. _

_Nobody said it was easy. Oh it's such a shame for us to part. _

_Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard. I'm going back to the start._

"I really hate fucking Coldplay," Jack grumbled, draining his glass. "Too damn depressing. I don't suppose there are any happy, upbeat songs that we can send her?"

Hanna laughed and reached for the iPod, scrolling until she found what she wanted. "How about this one?" She watched him as the music swept over him and around him, through him, until his eyes had closed, his features relaxed as he rested his head against the back of the couch, a soft smile spreading its way across his face.

_Someday, when I'm awfully low, when the world is cold, I will feel a glow, just thinking of you, _

_And the way you look tonight. You're lovely, with your smile so warm, and your cheeks so soft._

_There is nothing for me to do but love you, and the way you look tonight. _

_With each word, your tenderness grows, tearing my fears apart, and that laugh that wrinkles your nose,_

_It touches my foolish heart. Lovely, never ever change. Keep that breathless charm._

_Won't you please arrange it? 'Cause I love you, just the way you look tonight._

He let the music weave its spell around him, seeing her as she'd looked that night in Los Angeles, still in her work clothes, though the jacket had been long abandoned, when he'd looked at her sitting there on the park bench eating ice cream, her legs tucked underneath her and her feet bare, and he couldn't help himself. He'd had to kiss her, had to hold her, had no choice but to show her exactly how he felt about her, how he still felt, how he knew he'd always feel. Her words that day had hit him hard. Yes, he'd always known how she'd felt about him. But had she known how he felt? He had wondered at that moment if he'd made his own feelings clear, and felt the sting of shame to know that the answer was probably a resounding _no_. She deserved so much better.

He had wished that night he'd taken her dancing, shown her some real romance, but as always she'd said she didn't need it; she'd only needed him. He'd taken her at her word, and had tried his best to show her how much he loved her, but this song summed up perfectly how he'd felt about her that night, and he vowed now that if he ever got the chance again he'd take it, and show her how much he loved her every day.

The song came to an end, and he opened his eyes, and smiled at Hanna. "Yeah," he said gruffly, barely able to find his voice. "That one's better. Much better."

_You're a falling star, you're the getaway car, you're the line in the sand when I go too far. _

_You're the swimming pool on an August day, and you're the perfect thing to say. _

_And you play it coy, but it's kind of cute, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do. _

_Baby don't pretend that you don't know it's true, 'cause you can see it when I look at you. _

_And in this crazy life and through these crazy times it's you, it's you, you make me sing, _

_You're every line, you're every word, you're everything. _

_You're a carousel, you're a wishing well, and you light me up when you ring my bell. _

_You're a mystery, you're from outer space, you're every minute of my every day. _

_And I can't believe that I'm your man, and I get to kiss you, baby, just because I can. _

_Whatever comes my way, we'll see it through, and you know that's what our love can do. _

_And in this crazy life and through these crazy times it's you, it's you, you make me sing, _

_You're every line, you're every word, you're everything. _

Now the lovesick smile was there on his face, he knew it, and he couldn't even care. He shifted on the couch, pulling his beautiful smart perceptive daughter close, and kissed her cheek. "It's just perfect. Thank you, and your sister. She'll love it. I hope."

Hanna just laughed and kissed him. "Dad, for a smart guy, you're hopeless sometimes. Samantha will always love you; any idiot can see that." Now she just had to find a way to make them realize it.

Fix You - Coldplay

The Scientist - Coldplay

The Way You Look Tonight - Michael Buble

Everything - Michael Buble

And more from Hanna and Kate's playlist…

Broken – Seether

Yellow - Coldplay

My Immortal - Evanescence

Bring Me Back to Life - Evanescence

White Flag - Dido

Rolling in the Deep - Adele

One and Only - Adele

Lovesong - Adele

I'll Be Waiting - Adele

Best I Ever Had - State of Shock

I'd Rather Be With You - Joshua Radin

Brand New Day - Joshua Radin

Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers

All My Days - Alexi Murdoch

You Sexy Thing (I Believe in Miracles) - Hot Chocolate

Tighten Up - The Black Keys

Gravity - John Mayer

Halo - Beyonce

I'm Yours - Jason Mraz

If It Kills Me - Jason Mraz

I Try - Macy Gray

Baby Can I Hold You - Tracy Chapman

TBC...


	8. Re-writing History

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**A/N:** Here's an extra chapter today... Happy New Year! :)

**Seven:** Re-writing History

_Finding out that Maria was taking the girls to Chicago without him, that she had never intended for him to go along, had to be one of the most devastating days of his life. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. He sat there, in his empty apartment, drinking alone. _

_He had no idea what to do, what to think, how to feel. He was lost, devastated, too numb to feel anything through the pain and the only thought able to break through was that he didn't want to be alone. Not tonight. He held his phone in his hand, trying to figure out who to call, who would come. No one, was the only thought in his head. There is no one in this world who would come just because you need them because you've pushed everyone away. _

_But that wasn't true, was it? Samantha would come, if he called her. He had no idea where that thought had come from, only that it had snuck in, slipped through a chink in his armor and was now lodged in his brain. His head ached as his mind turned it over and over. _

_He knew that she would come, without questions, without hesitation. Knew it in his bones. But was it fair to her? What could he give her? What was left of him now? There was nothing good left of him, in him. _

_Without warning, without conscious thought, his finger pressed the button, and he had to force himself not to press the button again, not to end the call. He stared at the phone, petrified with fear, the numbers unmoving. 2:37 a.m._

_Finally he heard her voice, a beacon in the darkness, both literally and figuratively. _

"_Jack? What's wrong? What's happened?" He knew that she was fully awake, in an instant: just another hazard of the job. "Jack? Talk to me."_

_He closed his eyes, just focusing on her voice. "They're gone," was all he could say. _

"_Who's gone, Jack?"_

"_The girls. Maria took the girls—she had no intention of me going with them. Never did." How he choked that out through the lump in his throat he had no idea. "I'm alone. I'm alone again."_

"_Do you want me to come over?" Again, there was no hesitation, and he felt overwhelmed by her response, by her. He didn't deserve her, but she was there. Always._

"_I… I can't ask that of you."_

"_You didn't ask. I offered."_

"_I'm not the best company, I… "_

"_Jack. Stop. That doesn't matter. If you need me, I'm there."_

_There was a long silence. He just couldn't say the words. "I…"_

"_I'm on my way."_

"_No, I … I don't…" _I don't deserve you_ was unsaid, but understood. _

"_I'm not giving you a choice. I don't want you to be alone right now. I'll be there soon."_

_Yeah, I _really_ don't want to be alone right now. He couldn't say it, but it didn't matter. He hung up the phone. _

_Samantha didn't bother to do anything but get dressed. She made the trip in half the time and then she was there, taking him in her arms without a word, just being there. Just letting him know he wasn't alone. _

Jack woke with a start. As far as dreams went, that one was much nicer than his usual fare. It seemed his subconscious mind was rewriting history now, and he had to say it was smarter than he was. How different would his life have been if he had reached out to her that night? If he had let her be there for him? He knew that if he had called her, she would have been there, just like the dream. His mind could easily extend it, even now that he was awake. She would have held him, demanding nothing in return, and maybe, eventually, they would have found their way back to each other. And he would never have let her go.

How different his life would have been. Could have been. If he wasn't such a stubborn bastard.

He heard a noise, a whimper, and slid out of bed, making his way to Hanna's room. Finn was awake, crying softly, no doubt with nightmares of his own. Without hesitation, he picked up the boy and held him close to his chest, soothing him instinctively. "It's okay," he told Finn, carrying him to his own room and settling him in next to him as his tears still came.

"Mama," he finally whispered. "Mama was gone."

"It was just a bad dream, buddy. Your mama's going to be fine. She's _not_ gone."

"You promise, Jack? You promise she's not gone?" His little arms held on tightly, and Jack hugged him in return.

"I promise. I promise she'll be home soon." With that, the boy curled into his chest and went back to sleep, and Jack smiled in the darkness. This is the way it should have been, and he vowed in that moment to make things right.

This boy should have been his, as his mother should have been his. There was no good reason they weren't, nothing but their old fears and insecurities keeping them from what he knew they both wanted. Well, what he wanted, but in retrospect, he was pretty sure it was what she wanted as well.

Seeing her tonight had flipped a switch within him, turned on a light in his soul that he hadn't even realized had been extinguished. He needed her, he realized now, as much as she needed him. He was lost without her, just as lost as she was right now. He didn't want to go back, he thought, and now he just needed to convince her of that. He wrapped himself around Finn's little body, pressing a kiss to his forehead, vowing both to himself and to the boy that soon, very soon, things were going to be as they should be, as they should have been all along.

ooo

She missed him when he was gone. She knew that he was gone; she could no longer feel his touch or hear his voice. After a time she wondered if he had ever even been there at all, or if it had been the wishful thinking of her own heart, her own soul. She knew she would never have him back; her mind knew it, but still her heart rebelled against the thought. He had been hers, completely, and she had thrown him away, for nothing. For a misguided notion that this was what she needed to do for her son; that as his mother she should put his happiness before her own. She had never believed that the two could be connected. She knew it was too late for her, too late for them, but that didn't stop the wanting.

She could still feel his touch on her skin, that unmistakable electricity that she would recognize anywhere, light or dark. It was as if every cell in her body knew him, recognized him, called out to him. She could still feel his warm breath on her face, hear his deep voice low in her ear_. I need you, Samantha. You have to come back to me._ _I will,_ she vowed. She would. She always would. The realness of his voice in her ear what was brought her crashing back to reality. It couldn't have been real. It _couldn't._ He would never forgive her for what she had done to them. He would never take her back.

Her heart was heavy with the realization, her chest full of the stark pain of the knowledge that it simply couldn't possibly have been true. The soft kiss on her forehead, the warmth of his hands around hers had to have been all figments of her own active imagination, because they would never again be true. Her heart ached anew once again, for all that she had had, and all that she had lost.

Once again she was alone.

TBC...


	9. Waiting

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Eight:** Waiting

Jack sat eating breakfast with Kate, Hanna and Finn at his kitchen table and wondered what they could do today. He still had nearly a week left of his vacation, and he figured he might as well take it. He wanted to rush back to the hospital and stay all day, but he didn't think that would be good for Finn. Yeah, she had squeezed his hand, twice, but beyond that there had been no change. He had already called the hospital to make sure, and there had been no change. The kid was already having nightmares; he didn't need to see his mother lying there lifeless all day.

They finally decided to go and see her first thing and drop off the iPod and dock so that she could hear some music, and then spend the day at the zoo. Maybe they could stop back by on the way home again. Just to see.

When they arrived, they had to wait because the doctor was in with her. Leaving the kids at the door, Jack squared his shoulders and went in. If there was something else he could do, he needed to know it now. He would do whatever she needed, whatever it took. He shook hands with the doctor and introduced himself as her "boyfriend," really just leaving out one pertinent syllable, not exactly_ lying_, very glad at the moment that she wasn't conscious to correct him. The doctor explained what he could, and told him that his visit had obviously helped last night; it was the first response they had gotten from her so far. Although he made no guarantees, he was guardedly optimistic that she would regain consciousness soon, and encouraged him to come back as often as he could.

"At this point, there is no medical reason that she isn't waking up. In my experience with situations such as these, many times patients' subconscious minds simply _choose_ not to wake up, because it's preferable to them for whatever reason due to the circumstances of their lives. It's simply less painful to stay where they are."

Anger flashed momentarily in Jack's eyes before he was able to rein it in. "With all due respect, doctor, that's ridiculous. Samantha has a son that she would do anything for. She has a lot of people who love her very much. She was happy with her life before this happened." Okay, he knew that wasn't exactly true; even he could see how lonely she had been. Every once in a while, she would let her mask slip and he would see the longing in her eyes. _For him_. But she'd never acted on it. Because she thought she deserved to be alone, after what she'd done. And he'd let it go on. For a second, he allowed his anger to be directed at the correct source: himself. And then he tamped it down, because it wasn't going to help her now, was it?

And damn it, he _knew_ her. If this was the work of her subconscious mind, it had to be more than that. He almost smacked his own forehead with the realization. The case. The fucking case. He needed to find out about the case she'd been working on. She was just like him in that regard. If she had failed, or felt she had failed, that would be enough. Sighing, he looked at her, and then back at the doctor, who was still talking.

Dr. Abrams looked at him kindly. "Of course I can't speculate as to the reason, as I have no knowledge of her life before this happened. It's just a theory, Agent Malone. All I can suggest is for you and her family to talk to her, sit with her. Show her that she's loved and missed. Give her a reason to come back."

Jack nodded, his eyes on her face. He could do that. A thought implanted itself very suddenly in his mind. "Do you think… I mean, I was thinking of spending the night here, if I could, if you think that might help." The doctor nodded immediately.

"It certainly couldn't hurt. I'll make a note of it in her file, so they'll let you stay. It isn't our usual policy, but if it's in the best interest of the patient, which I think is definitely true in this case, I think we can make an exception."

"We brought music to play for her, if that's all right," he said then, remembering the iPod, smiling at the thought of his daughters' effort. "My daughters found some songs for her."

Dr. Abrams smiled. "I think that's a great idea. I'll leave you all alone to visit with her for awhile, and I'll make a note that you'll be back this evening."

When he left, the children came in uncertainly, and Jack picked Finn up again to kiss his mother tenderly. The girls set up the iPod dock and left the music playing softly as they all filed out of the room. Jack stopped at the door and turned back to stare at her. She hadn't given any indication she knew that they were there, and he wondered if he had imagined the very slight squeezes of his hand he had been sure that he felt last night, just because he wanted it to be true so very badly.

On impulse, he crossed the room quickly, brushing his hand gently over her face. "We love you, Samantha," he told her quietly. "We're here waiting for you." Then he leaned down and very carefully brushed his mouth over hers in a soft, sweet kiss. "I want to have the right to do that again," he told her softly, "so if you want me to stop, you'd damn well better wake up and tell me. Otherwise, I'll be back to do it again later."

There was no outward change, and he had no way of knowing that beneath the layers of fog that enshrouded her mind and body, her heart was melting. _Jack! _Hope bloomed inside her, strong and true, because there was no way that she'd imagined _that. _He _was_ here. Now she just had to figure out how to come back to herself enough to tell him that _stop_ would be the dead last thing she would ever tell him.

God, she felt like freaking Sleepy Beauty, awakened all of a sudden by that one soft kiss. Instantly banished were the maudlin thoughts that had plagued her all night, scenes of everything that had gone wrong, all of the times they had hurt each other, and in their place were all of the cherished memories that she'd tried to block out for so long. Sleeping in his arms, waking up to him in the morning, spending nights together even as they maintained separate apartments… for what? They had wasted so much time, when they could have been together. Steeping herself in those memories, for once, she vowed that if they ever got another chance, she would never let him go again.

If anyone had chanced into her room at that moment, they would have wondered just what had put that smile on her face.

TBC...


	10. Of course

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Nine:** Of course

In spite of the circumstances, Jack and the kids enjoyed the zoo. The girls adored Finn, and vice versa, and it was far later than they'd intended before they finally made their leave. They picked up drive-through food as Finn was already asleep in the car, and Hanna took over after dropping her father back off at the hospital.

It was quiet in her room, as quiet as a hospital room could be, at least, and Jack sat in the chair just watching her for what felt like hours. When he couldn't stay awake any longer, he climbed very carefully into the bed beside her, just watching her sleep, his fingertips moving carefully over her skin once again. Finally, he kissed her lightly again and settled down next to her, so that he would be close if she needed him, and she would be the first thing he saw in the morning, and fell asleep still watching her serene features and listening to her even breathing.

When Jack awoke in the morning temporarily disoriented, he realized with a shock that Samantha was wrapped around him, her hands holding him close while their legs tangled together beneath the covers. He stared at her face, just inches from his own. His arms were around her, holding her close, and he couldn't move from where he was, fearful of hurting her. A nurse came in, eyes widening at the sight of the two of them there. Jack was speaking quietly to her, like she was just sleeping, and there was no answer.

He looked up at the nurse, quizzically. She was different from the woman who was in last night. "Um… could you check… did someone move her like this?"

The nurse had already called the doctor. "I can check, but we wouldn't have moved her. Did you…"

He shook his head. "I went to sleep next to her and I just woke up. She was in this position when I woke."

The doctor came in, surprise clear on his face. It was pure unproven theory, and yet here they were. She was reacting to him, consciously or unconsciously, and Jack knew that he wouldn't ask for anything else if she woke up, if she was okay. That would be enough. The fact that she had responded to him enough to come back would be enough for him.

Leaving the hospital that day was one of the most difficult things Jack had ever made himself do. And that was saying something. He wasn't used to easy or simple. If it were just him, he wouldn't have left her side. But once again in the light of day, he was the dad, and he had to think like it.

He called Hanna to pick him up, and let the kids have a brief visit once again before taking them to breakfast and then to the park. They stopped at Sam's place to pick up more things for Finn, lots of his toys this time to keep him busy, and his x-box and lots of games that they could play together. He debated on telling Finn that his mom had moved on her own during the night, and finally did, because he knew the boy needed a reason to hold out hope.

As they sat plugging in cords so that they could play games, Jack Malone was once again bowled over by the quiet confidence of a child. "Of course she did, Jack," Finn told him without hesitation. "She loves you."

Jack ruffled his hair affectionately, refusing to meet the grinning faces of his daughters who no doubt had "I told you so" in their eyes. "She loves you, too, buddy."

"Of course she does, but I'm always around. She's missed you. I don't know what you guys have been waiting for. You should just marry her already."

That had brought a choked laugh from him, prompting Hanna to ask gently why he said that, probably sensing that her father had no words right now. Finn just shrugged. "It's the way she looks at him. Anyone can see it. She loves him." He gave a little shrug, as if to say, _duh,_ and again Jack sensed his girls holding back their amusement, with supreme effort.

"You may have a point, big guy. I'll talk to your mom about that when she wakes up." _When_, not _if_. At least, if he had anything to say about it.

After they ate, they went back to the hospital and after another brief visit, Jack slipped under the covers with Samantha again, this time in a T-shirt and sweats, taking her carefully in his arms. God, it felt too damn good. He felt a little guilty, holding her like this without her permission, but it felt too right to stop now. If it had the intended effect and brought her back to them, she would be able to choose for herself, and he didn't pretend to be able to guess whether she would allow him to hold her like this again, so he would be damned if he wasn't going to make the most of it while he still could.

He had long become resigned to the fact that they just weren't meant to be together. That Samantha would never love him the way he loved her. But living in a world without her in it was unacceptable to him.

It was a relief, in a way, once things went back to what would always be normal for them. It had been too much pressure to constantly live with... living under the ubiquitous shadow of the simple fact that sooner or later he would say or do something unforgivable that would push her away for good.

So it was an intense relief for him once they were back to being friends and partners, that he hadn't lost her for good, hadn't lost forever her presence in his life.

Now he cursed himself for a fool. If he'd known that there was the possibility that this was all the time he'd have with her, he'd have fought harder to have the right to do what he was doing right now even though he had no right to at all: hold her in his arms and just be here in her orbit. As many mistakes as he knew he'd made, he also knew that she wasn't immune to him, and had never been immune to him, as hard as she had, at times, tried to be. Just one look, just one touch from him had an instantaneous effect, just as she had on him. Idiot that he was, he had never tried to change her mind, never put his mind to wooing her, seducing her, sweeping her off of her feet. He had been above such tactics, telling himself that he wanted it to come from her. Now he just wanted another chance. He'd play as dirty as he had to.

Right now, he was very close in her orbit. He placed soft kisses over her skin ever so often, because he just couldn't be this close to her and keep from doing it. Belatedly he realized with a shocked thrill that she was leaning into his touch ever-so-slightly.

The doctors thought that she was still too comatose to move at will, so what they were seeing now were the involuntary reactions her body had to him, residual from their time together. And it didn't matter all too much to him. As much as he wanted her to choose to move closer to him on her own, he would take this, too. Because he was all too aware that it could have easily been the opposite: she could be unconsciously moving away from him rather than gravitating ever closer. To him, that was the biggest sign he was ever going to get that there was still a chance for them. It gave him hope. Kissing her again, softly, lightly, on the lips, he lovingly stroked her face as he told her he loved her and bade her sweet dreams, taking it a step further tonight and wrapping his arms around her before he finally let himself fall asleep.

TBC...

A/N: Okay, I see your point. These chapters are a little short. How about another one? Will that be acceptable? :D


	11. Here for her

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Ten:** Here for her

God, she was in heaven. She had to be. Nothing had ever felt this good, this right. _That's not exactly true, is it?_ her mind asked quietly. _You had this, and you let it go. _To be with a jerk who'd used every trick in the book to steal you away, just because he could, and then leave you when he tired of you. Which sure as hell didn't take very long. It was less than six months before they'd started arguing. Once Brian was back to 100 percent, physically, he had started going out again, though not to find a job, as he'd said. Partying with his friends every night, picking up women which he occasionally tried to bring back to their—_her_—apartment in a drunken stupor, taking it out on her when she'd put her foot down.

He'd come after her in a rage one night, scaring the crap out of both her and Finn, and she'd had to pull her gun to protect the both of them. That had been the last straw. She had realized with horror that she'd become the very thing she hated, and it had been a wake-up call. The next morning she had hardened her heart, refusing to listen to his apologies and lies. She'd wanted him gone, and had changed the locks quickly, her bank account passwords not quickly enough. He had left, all right, with all of her life savings. In the sole misuse of her authority of her career, she had used the FBI's resources to track him down, and Elena had backed her up the day she had gone to find him, murder in her eyes, and was probably the only reason she wasn't in jail right now, for killing the bastard. Somehow she had forced him to sign the papers, and then let him go, and she was still thankful that little stunt hadn't come back to bite her in the ass. She could have cheerfully killed him, if it wasn't for Elena.

And Jack hadn't said a word. Not one word. He had to have known what she'd done. She was pretty sure all of her team knew. But nothing had changed between them. They had worked together as seamlessly as always, and she was thankful she still had him in her life, in any capacity. She knew he was dating. He didn't hide it. Just as she knew, with not a small amount of evil glee, that none of them ever got a second date with him. _Because they're not me_, she had thought, and then been ashamed of it. She loved him even now, and knew she always would. She wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn't with her. Especially if it wasn't with her, because she didn't deserve him.

And then Hanna Malone had called her, out of the blue, needing a ride home, and a female perspective. She hadn't hesitated. She'd once told the girl to call her if she ever needed anything, and she'd meant it. They'd started getting together regularly, and Hanna and Finn had taken to each other effortlessly. Somehow Hanna had started babysitting in the evenings, and she knew that Jack and Finn were both enjoying spending time together when Hanna had Finn over at their place. Gradually he started picking up Finn on his own, taking him to the park, teaching him to throw a ball almost before he could walk. She still remembered that "ball" had been his favorite word for some time, and then one day she had gone to pick up her son and saw the two of them together.

That was the day she knew that she would never—_never_—be over this man. Seeing him in the park, running after her son, pretending to "tackle" him and running back with the little boy tucked under his arm like a football for a touchdown, hearing him laugh unreservedly with Finn, had sent her heart reeling, tumbling irrevocably in love with him all over again. God, she had wanted to kiss him so badly that day. Had wanted to cross the grass to the both of them and wrap her arms around them both, smile and join them and go home with them like a family with a longing stronger than any she had ever known. But that was impossible. This was her _own fault_, she had reminded herself harshly, and had forced herself to cross to them slowly, barely restraining herself from embracing them both like she so had wanted to.

Instead, she had stood there mutely, drinking in the sight of both of them, happy and healthy, and when Jack had stopped tickling her son long enough to notice her and had looked straight into her eyes, she'd thought her heart would stop. He was _that _gorgeous to her. His effect on her was as potent as it had always been. Maybe more so now, because here he was, just the kind of dad she had wanted for her son, just as she had imagined him in her dreams for so many years. Her breath had caught in her throat at the way he looked right then, sweaty and dirty and grinning, his eyes full of love. _For Finn_, she had reminded herself harshly. He will _never _look at you like that again. But now she thought that he had. For just a moment, he had.

Then he had carefully shuttered his eyes, his adoration replaced with a friendly smile. Oh, how she had hated to see that change come over him, but she had guessed it was better than the raw hurt that had been there for so long, or the cold aloofness that had replaced it for a time as she knew he was trying desperately to harden his heart against her. So this would have to do. It was better than nothing. And God, she was pathetic. She would take it.

The familiar guilt and desolation washed over her. It was true. She had had all that she'd ever wanted, and she'd thrown it away. Jack Malone couldn't possibly hate her as much as she hated herself. It simply wasn't possible.

So she allowed herself to bask in this feeling, right now, with him so close to her, close enough to breathe the same air. She inhaled his scent, straining to get closer to him. God, she wanted to touch him _so badly_. She wanted to run her hands over his face, his body, like she'd once had the right to do whenever she wanted. She wanted to nuzzle her nose into his skin. She let her mind reel, for long moments, remembering the feel of his touch on her skin, his mouth on hers, his hands and his mouth and his body bringing her to ecstasy again and again. God, she loved this man.

She could still remember her words that day in L.A., and his reaction. _You know how I feel about you, right? How I've always felt about you?_ At the time, he had looked away. Yes, he knew. She wished she could ask him again, right now, wanted to make sure he knew that she still loved him. That she'd never stopped, couldn't even if she wanted to, couldn't even when she _had_ wanted to, that she loved him still.

But she couldn't. She was trapped here, just as sure as she'd been trapped in that basement. Couldn't move, couldn't cry out, couldn't beg him to stay, to never leave her. She was lost here, wherever she was, just as she'd been lost without him for so long, and there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it.

But he was here. For _her_. Even though she didn't deserve it, he was here. For now, it was all that mattered.

TBC...


	12. Not giving up

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

**Eleven:** Not giving up

Once again, Jack woke in her arms. Her forehead rested against his, her warmth surrounding him. He was hit with a surge of love so fierce he felt its punch in his chest. Now _this_ is what he'd been missing. He was lost without her. He knew that now.

He hadn't wanted to let her go when she'd made her little speech. But he'd understood; how could he not? He'd done the same damn thing, years ago. Hell, he'd probably still be trying to make things work for his kids' sake if Maria hadn't left the damn state without him. Because he was dumb as a rock about things like that. He knew absolutely nothing about how to maintain a relationship, how to communicate, how to trust another person that much. He thought he knew a little more now, but there was still no way he could blame Samantha for what she did, even as he could have told her it wouldn't work. Even as he knew she was sacrificing both of their happiness for absolutely no good reason.

Why he didn't let her know that was another good question. He may not have known the exact date she had become a free woman again, but he probably knew within at least a couple of weeks. And yet he said nothing, did nothing, just happy to have her in his life in any capacity at all. What a coward he'd been. She was so beautiful, just like this, looking like she was just sleeping peacefully in his arms, her face devoid of makeup and all those worry lines relaxed.

Once more she had somehow gravitated toward him in the night, albeit under the blanket while he was still on top of it, and he treasured the knowledge that somewhere inside her, there was a part of her that still knew she belonged to him. Still wanted to belong to him.

Two nights. He had slept next to her for two nights, had kissed her and told her he loved her and still there was no change. He wasn't giving up yet, however. He wouldn't. Ever. He kissed her again and told her good morning, watching her for long, hopeful moments before he finally sighed and rolled himself out of bed. He needed to be showered and dressed when Hanna arrived with Finn and Kate. They were meeting Danny and Elena and their kids at the park today for a picnic.

Fully dressed, he sat there talking softly to her while he finished getting ready, and as much as he tried to stay optimistic, he realized that he blamed himself for this. All of it. And it was more than the fact that he was on vacation when she'd needed him, more than the fact that she took too many risks because she'd learned it from him. He should have told her how he felt and let her make the choice, should have let her know he still loved her. Would always love her. That made him laugh at himself, a little. How could she not know? He thought it was pretty obvious. It was pretty obvious to him. He thought his feelings for her were written plainly across his face for the world to see, most of the time. But then maybe she felt the same. He had no idea. It occurred to him that she may have gotten over him a long time ago. Hell, he didn't blame her. He wasn't much of a prize. But that hadn't stopped her before.

He sat looking at her, remembering so many other hospital visits, both hers and his. The last time she'd been here, he'd sat here waiting for her to wake up, just like this. Only it had been mere hours, not days or weeks. He could still remember the smile she'd had for him when she woke up and he was the first person she saw. That beautiful smile that was only for him. None of her other myriad smiles were exactly like it. It was unique. He had almost kissed her then. He'd been so very tempted. "Hey," she'd said, with so much affection that it had kick-started his heart.

He'd leaned over and kissed her cheek, squeezing her hand that he'd been holding in his. "Hey, yourself. Welcome back, Sleeping Beauty. Was wondering how long you were gonna keep me waiting."

"You didn't have to stay," she'd protested groggily, already on the defensive, and knowing her, the possessive part of him thrilled at her reaction. Thrilled at how telling it was, even against her will. "It was just a through-and-through. I'm fine." He'd barely suceeded in fighting back his grin at that.

He'd shrugged and gotten up to leave, grabbing the sandwich and coffee he'd brought her just a little while ago; the coffee was still hot. He made sure their tempting aromas passed close enough by her face to waft her way. "All right then. Suit yourself."

Her expression had changed immediately, grabbing the sandwich weakly but with a fervor that had made him laugh. "You brought me food? I'm starving. God, I love you."

She'd frozen mid-sip, and it was almost comical to watch. He'd just grinned, keeping his own embarrasingly joyful reaction to her carefully hidden. "I thought you might."

Relaxing, she'd dug into her food while he filled her in on the case and reassured her that Finn was fine with Danny and Elena. She'd looked at him, a soft smile on her face that had done something funny to his insides. "Thank you."

"For the food? Don't mention it. It's just one of the many services I provide." Once, he would have smiled wickedly along with that comment, letting his eyes tell her exactly what those other services might be. At the time, however, he managed to restrain himself. Just barely.

"For being here." And her tone said not just now, but always. She didn't have to say it. He knew.

He looked up as the kids walked into the room, and Finn gasped as he ran to the bed, both sad that his mother wasn't awake and happy that she had once again moved on her own during the night. He looked at Jack, his face falling. "She still didn't wake up. It isn't working."

Jack rose from the chair and put his hands on the boy's shoulders. "It's working, buddy. We just have to be patient. She's coming back to us, little by little. She wouldn't give up on us; we can't give up on her."

Finn nodded. "I won't give up," he said quietly.

"I won't either," Jack told him, lifting the boy up to kiss his mother before gently setting him down again. "Are you ready to go to the park?"

Finn nodded. "Yeah, let's go." In the doorway, he looked back at his mother on the bed. "Love you, Mom!" he called exuberantly. "We'll be back later!"

Jack leaned down and kissed her. "I love you, too. We'll see you soon."

Danny left Elena and Hanna in charge of the kids and went over to the picnic table, where Jack was unpacking food. He looked up without a word as the younger man approached. Everything these days felt like an intervention. "I'm fine, Danny," he said with just a hint of reproach in his voice.

Danny smiled at the characteristic Jack answer to a question he hadn't even asked. He supposed a good offense was the best defense. "Yeah, I know," he said with a sigh. "When aren't you fine? You get shot, stabbed, blown up, and you're fine. Believe me, that wasn't what I was going to waste one of my questions on," he said drily.

Jack just looked at him expectantly, knowing the questioning was coming. "How is she?"

He shrugged, shaking his head. "You know I would have called you if there was any change."

"Yeah, and we both know that isn't true, is it? You don't call moving on her own two nights in a row a change?" And Jack hadn't said a word. He'd had to hear it from the kids. Probably because the man considered it a failure that she hadn't jumped up and walked out of there the second he'd entered the room.

Jack shrugged again. "She still hasn't woken up." He looked up sharply. "I swear to God, if you two have a bet riding on this, I'll…"

Danny cut him off without rising to the bait. "You know better than that. Samantha's family. We love her too, Jack." He watched his boss and friend closely. "This isn't your fault. You know that, right?"

Jack grumbled, wishing he had a pint of scotch rather than a glass of lemonade right now. "Sure as hell feels like it is."

"I hope you know what you're doing. Sleeping with her every night? How long can you keep that up? How many days can you wake up to see no change before you lose your mind, Jack?"

"I guess we'll find out, because I'm not leaving her there alone." He grinned. "I told her if she wants me gone she'll have to wake up and tell me herself; until she does, I'm not going anywhere."

Danny had to shake his head. For two of the most intelligent people he knew, Jack and Samantha could be painfully dense at times. "You do know that she still loves you just as much as you love her." Jack looked up at him sharply, and Danny just smirked. "Oh, please, it's so obvious. You can't tell me you didn't know. You have to be prepared in case this doesn't work," he finished softly.

"It'll work," Jack said, more harshly than he'd intended. It had to work.

Then he looked back at Danny. "Tell me about the case," he said quietly.

Danny sighed and sat down on the bench heavily. "Trust me. You don't want to know." This was one of the ones that would haunt them for years. As hard as they'd worked, they'd been too late, even if it was only too late for one little boy. It was unacceptable, to all of them. He knew where Jack was going with this. It was something that all of them had already considered. And, knowing Samantha, it was a very likely possibility.

Jack sat down across from him. "I need to know, Danny." Even though he wished he didn't.

Danny sighed again. "Yeah, I know." As Jack listened, he knew he couldn't blame her if this was the reason she wasn't coming back. His heart broke for her, sitting in the sun, at a picnic table in the park. Because sometimes life just sucked. That was their reality.

When he lay down with her that night, after a mostly enjoyable day spent with both of their children, he wrapped his arms around her, his heart still breaking for her, and the one she couldn't save. Sometimes doing everything you could wasn't enough. He knew it, too well, and figuring out how to live with that reality was a constant battle he waged every day. If she wasn't returning now because she couldn't live with that reality anymore, he could understand it. He wouldn't like it, but he would understand.

TBC…


	13. Everything

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Twelve:** Everything

Samantha lay in the semi-darkness, somehow knowing now that she was in a hospital room, with Jack sleeping beside her. She had become aware of his warmth and his soft, gentle touch and his warm breath on her face. She could feel him kiss her lips softly and tell her he loved her in that voice that she loved so much. It was as if she had conjured him from her dreams. It was a miracle that he was here.

It was so strange, so surreal, being able to feel his touch, feel his kisses and his soft caresses, feel his warm breath ghosting across her cheek, and not be able to reach out and touch him, see him, speak to him. She wanted all of those things so very badly. Wanted to wake him up with soft sweet kisses like the ones he had gifted her with before he wrapped her in his strong arms and fell asleep next to her.

_He loved her._ If this was all she ever got, feeling his touch and hearing him tell her he loved her in that voice that she loved so much would certainly be enough. They were so much more than she thought she'd ever have again. Right here, right now, they were _everything._

She had no idea how she managed to move closer to him, how she managed to move one hand to his cheek and the other one tentatively to rest against his strongly beating heart. Maybe it was the strength of her own will. All she knew was that she refused to let her conscious mind retreat back into the darkness. She concentrated, _so hard_, on opening her eyes, on seeing him again, and it seemed that it had to have been a dream when, as if by magic, the gauze wrapped around her seemed to float away and all of a sudden she was looking at him.

He lay so close, so near that they were sharing the same oxygen. He looked so much younger in sleep, even though he looked good to her any time, and she had often cursed the fact that some men just got better with age, and Jack Malone would always be one of those men to her. She studied his features as he slept, amazed when she thought of tracing them with her fingertips, and then her hand rose sluggishly to do her bidding. She traced the lines on his face, relaxed now in sleep, and her thumb was mapping his lower lip when his eyes opened suddenly, shock, awe and relief clearly telegraphed there. And love. _So much love._ It swamped her suddenly, to see the depth of it right there in his eyes plain as day, and she thought, _damn. I really should have gotten myself beaten unconscious sooner. A lot sooner. _They had wasted so much time.

Her heart began to race as the realization that she wasn't wasting any more time washed over her suddenly, and without thinking, without wondering how it was even possible, she closed the space between them and set her mouth very lightly on his. Letting her hand cup his unshaven jaw, she kissed him again, and again, and again. It was the most incredible, intoxicating feeling in the world. She didn't want to stop. She wanted to keep doing this forever.

Jack had no idea if this was dream or reality. It certainly felt real enough to him right now. Samantha was here, in his arms, kissing him as if she would never stop. As if they had never been apart. And there was nothing he wanted more. He wanted to pull her closer, to deepen this exquisite kiss, to open his mouth on hers and let his tongue tangle with hers, but now wasn't the time, for any of it. If they were going to have a second chance, if they were really going to try again, they had to make the effort to do it right this time. That was if—and intellectually he knew it was a pretty big if—that was even something she wanted and this wasn't just a knee-jerk reaction to surfacing to consciousness. He couldn't take the chance right now on betting on either. She was worth too much to him for that.

Enjoying it for as long as he could, Jack finally pulled back far enough so that he could look into her eyes, smiling at the recognition he saw in them. She definitely knew who he was. Just how much had she heard? She definitely wasn't pushing him away. Maybe she knew just how much he loved her. "Hey," he said with a gentle smile. "Welcome back."

Samantha smiled back at him, in spite of her initial vexation at being denied of what she wanted right now. Which was to devour this man in every way possible. God, it had been so long... In this moment, it was as if everything that had been said and done was so far in the past that it made no difference any longer. He clearly wasn't holding a grudge. Which was far more charitable than she had been when he had gone back to Maria for his kids' sake, she thought with a twinge of guilt.

He had never blamed her, she realized suddenly. Never tried to change her mind. It was as if he had known that it was something that she felt she needed to do for her son, even while they both knew it wasn't what she wanted and it was bound to end badly. Had he always felt this way? Had this love that she could see so clearly in his eyes been there the last time they had worked together? The last time he had picked up Finn to take him someplace? Because she couldn't see how in the world she could have missed it.

And then the spell was broken when he asked her if she knew her name. She rolled her eyes. "Of course I do," she told him somewhat indignantly. He just raised an eyebrow, and she sighed. "Samantha Spade."

"What year is it?" God, this man. He could be so irritatingly by the book sometimes.

"2013. Any more tests?"

"What's my name?" Now he had a hint of that smug Jack Malone smirk on his lips, as if it was he alone who had brought her back to the land of the living. Okay, so maybe he had cause, she admitted.

"John Michael Malone, or _asshole_, depending on what day it is," she said, a hint of a smile appearing on her own face. Because she was awake and talking, damn it, and he was still here, in her bed. Really no reason she could be cross with him right now, especially if he would just shut up and kiss her again.

Now his smile widened. "It's good to have you back, Samantha." His eyes softened before her eyes and, just like that, he was no longer the agent but the man looking at her with love in his eyes. Far more love than she deserved.

Tears welled in her eyes. She didn't deserve him. She knew that. But it was just so damn good to have him here, close enough to touch, with his arms still around her, holding her close to his chest. The heat of his body felt like it was soaking into her soul, gradually seeping into all of the cold dark places that had been a part of her for too long. "Thank you," she said quietly.

Immediately he shook his head minutely, self-deprecating as always, and that was Jack. "Didn't really do anything," he said gruffly, reluctantly, as if he didn't really trust his voice right now, because he didn't. Or any of the rest of him. "No more than you've done for me a lot more times."

Trying to keep her stupid tears from spilling over, she smiled at him, moving the fingers that were still on his face over his mouth to silence him. "You were here. You didn't have to be."

And he'd been here for her the last time, too. And the time before that, after the stupid car wreck that had set all of those stupid events into motion. The time before that, she hadn't told him she was going to be in the hospital, when she'd had Finn. He'd found her all on his own that time. God, she was an idiot. He had been so steadfast for so long, had shown her how he felt about her in so many ways… she really didn't deserve him.

Instead of arguing with her, he simply kissed her fingers, holding her eyes with his own. "Yeah, I kind of did."

He looked at her uncertainly, unsure of his boundaries now that she was awake and talking. "Look I... I don't know what you want... From me. I'll understand if you don't want me to touch you... If you want to go back to the ways things were... Before..." Before he almost lost her. Again.

"No!" It was a blurted explosion that she couldn't help, and wanted to take back when she saw the alarm on his face. "I mean... I want you to touch me. I need you, Jack. I don't want to go back to..." Back to being just friends, back to the rut they'd existed in for so long.

Immediately he returned his hands to her face. "Oh, thank God," he breathed wholeheartedly, moving his fingers over her skin with reverence. "I don't want to give you up again."

_Oh yes, yes, yes._ She practically purred at his touch. Oh God, please, _more_.

Slowly the eyes that had slid closed opened on his. "I want you to touch me. I want you to kiss me again." _I want to feel you inside me, all around me. _Her eyes were wide and brilliant on his.

"I want that too, Sam. _Sam,"_he breathed, tucking her in close to his chest again.

Without thinking, she reached for him again, pulling his face down to hers. "_Please_," she murmured, "I need your taste in my mouth." _Need you._

He groaned. "_Yes,_ baby, _yes_." Anything she wanted, anything she needed, he would give to her willingly. Gladly. He kissed her again, as essential as oxygen, letting his tongue tease hers, and it was _phenomenal._

Samantha whimpered into his mouth. It was both too much and not enough at the same time. "Jack, make love to me. _Please_. Make me feel alive again."

He almost whimpered at that. He wanted that, more than anything. "I will, baby, I promise you I will, but not here. When I get you home, when I get you better, I'll love you until neither of us can walk." He kissed her again, and then pulled her down across his chest. "That's a promise."

Samantha sighed contentedly. "I'm going to hold you to that."

"You do that," he growled into her temple, pressing soft kisses there. "For now, sleep, baby."

"Stay," she whispered.

"Not going anywhere." _Never again._

And by this time it had sunk in that she had to have heard everything he'd said, or most of it as least, to have gotten the reaction he had just a minute ago. He was pretty sure she knew that he loved her, had always loved her, and would always love her. Which was completely okay with him. Because it meant he didn't need to waste any more time on words, when he could show her instead. So he contented himself with dropping soft, loving kisses all over her face, and then he pulled her carefully over his chest and held her as they both went to sleep together, each of them luxuriating in the feeling of being able to hold close the one person they had needed, and missed, for so damn long.

TBC…


	14. Good work

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Thirteen:** Good work

Samantha guessed it was a good thing that she had been unconscious for just about the entirety of her hospital stay, as she hadn't forgotten the impossibility of sleeping in the hospital. Also, it was nice, she supposed, that she had much of the agonizingly slow healing process behind her, because she still felt like she'd been hit by a bus even though she had been told by at least half a dozen people that the worst was behing her, and that she looked "great." If this was great, she wasn't sure that she wanted to know how bad it had been.

And she really should have guessed that even though he'd only been in attendance for a few days, Jack Malone would have her doctor and probably half of her nurses on speed dial. The man wasn't exactly known for his patience. Which, in this case, probably worked in her favor. She thought three-fourths of the hospital staff must have been by her room in the last six hours, and now that she had been questioned, poked and prodded ad nauseum, she was really ready to get the hell out of here and get some sleep. They had abandoned all pretense of rest hours ago and had sat simply talking and drinking the coffee that Danny had smuggled in on his way to the office, bless him. He'd been one of the first on Jack's text list, after Hanna, and was happy to finally have positive news to take to the office.

They looked up together as they heard their children come down the hall before they saw them. And then she grinned widely, both at the sight of them walking in together like a family unit, and at the feel of Jack's hand warm and reassuring on her arm, probably to steady her so that she wouldn't leap out of bed in her newfound enthusiasm. They had already had a few mild disagreements this morning over just how well she felt and what she was actually capable of undertaking.

The three of them walked through the door and just stopped and stared, and their reaction made Samantha glance down to make sure nothing was overexposed. Damn hospital gowns. She hated them. But there was no wardrobe malfunction, so maybe it was the fact that Jack was sitting on the edge of her bed, holding her still-bandaged hand carefully in his. But as their shock faded and smiles began to blosson on their faces, she realized that they could care less about her and Jack. They didn't seem at all surprised, just overwhelmingly happy to see her awake and functioning, as their smiles soon rivaled her own. Hearing it on the phone hadn't been enough; they'd had to see it for themselves.

Finn recovered first, throwing himself into her arms. "Mom! You woke up! I knew Jack could do it! I knew it!"

Samantha laughed with her face buried in his soft hair. "Do what, baby?"

He pulled back and beamed into her eyes. "Bring you back, Mama. Bring you back to us."

She smiled again, because it was as true as anything. "I would never leave you, baby, you know that. It just took me a little while." She shuddered as some of the thoughts that had been swirling in her head for days on end ran through her mind. Throwing away the love of her life… All her failures… And then the face that haunted her… those blue eyes… Samantha blinked hard. She wasn't going there. Not just now.

She felt movement beside her and looked up at him as he gently let go of her and stepped back to give the kids room to get closer, his eyes telling her he wasn't about to go far, his grin just as wide as the kids' and maybe just a little smug. Those kisses from last night popped back into her head, and she could feel her own face get warm.

Finn quickly stepped into the space he'd just vacated, grinning up at him. "You do good work, Jack!" He had to laugh at that, a loud spontaneous delighted burst of noise that made everyone stare just because they heard it so rarely. And then Samantha found herself just staring at him. He looked… happy. Happier than she'd ever seen him. For a long moment there was only the two of them in the world, as he looked at her, and she looked back.

And then all three kids were talking at once, and Samantha let herself be distracted, the look in his eyes letting her know that there'd be time later to talk all they wanted. And she wanted that, she realized. Whether she deserved it or not, right now, she wanted it more than anything.

After an interminably long day, Samantha couldn't take her eyes off of Jack Malone as he walked out of the bathroom and headed toward the bed where she was waiting. Why she was so nervous, she had no idea. It wasn't like they hadn't ever slept together before. It wasn't like they could do anything here in the hospital. They probably wouldn't even be able to sleep, with all the constant noise and interruptions. It was just… this just felt so… so big. Having another chance with him was everything she'd wanted and never thought she'd ever have.

She had a keen sense that making this work was vital to both of them, more vital than anything they had ever endeavored, and it scared her a little. The two of them were total crap at relationships. They had probably done better together than either of them ever had with anyone else, and they had still spent more time apart since they'd known each other than they'd spent together. Not exactly the best harbinger of steady sailing ahead. God, with their jobs, and what would be at best a blended family, with both of their myriad dysfunctions, steady sailing was probably far too much to ever even hope for.

And the butterflies doing the tango in her stomach right now couldn't have cared less. Her body had absolutely no problems with any of this. Jack shut off what lights he could and slid into bed, turning to her, his soft smile making her face—along with the rest of her—heat instantly. Doctor Abrams had wanted her to stay one more night and spend the day running tests, and if all went well, had promised to release her in the morning, under the caveat that she wouldn't be alone. Jack had quickly growled that she wouldn't be, and she had jokingly asked him if that was a promise or a threat. His eyes had darkened in answer, setting alight those butterflies that had been dancing there ever since.

Earlier she had asked him if he would stay the night with her, even though she was conscious, and again those eyes had darkened instantly. "Just try to get rid of me," he had intoned in that gravelly growl that melted her every last brain cell every time, but she thought she saw a flicker of uncertainty now as he moved his body closer to where she lay propped up on her pillows, as if he were afraid she would consider it an act of crossing some arbitrary line.

She couldn't blame him. Before, she had zealously guarded her personal space because she knew just how faulty her willpower was when it came to this man. She had known that all bets would be off if he ever touched her.

Now she watched every movement he made as if she were drinking him in. In fact, she was doing just that. The way his muscles flexed was suddenly the most fascinating thing she had ever seen. She absorbed that half smile on his face and let it run unchecked throughout every cell of her body, as if it were a current of electricity flipping every switch she possessed on its way. God, she didn't want to miss a moment this time. She was determined that this time they were going to get it right.

As he propped himself on one arm and turned to face her, Jack could feel the weight of all of their past decisions and mistakes crashing down on him. God, he didn't want to screw it up this time. Although, technically, he hadn't screwed it up last time, but it had still felt as if he had. Because if they had had the solid relationship he'd thought they'd had, there wouldn't have been room for fucking Brian to even get his foot through the door. He tried to slam the door on those thoughts shut in his mind, swallowing his trepidation and covering it with what he hoped was a genuine smile. For some reason, this was different than sleeping with her while she was unconscious, for the purpose of watching over her and being close. It felt too intimate all of a sudden, like it was a whole different kind of first time. Hell, he hadn't been this nervous when it _was_ their first time. He hadn't known enough to be nervous. He hadn't known that it would be _everything_. He did now.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked her quietly. "Because I can sleep in the chair if you'd rather…"

Samantha almost laughed out loud, both at the tone of his voice and the look on his face. It was endearing enough to quiet those annoying butterflies. This meant just as much to him as it did to her. She could literally feel her heart melting in her chest for this man. She snuggled into his chest with a long satisfied sigh, nuzzling into his neck and inhaling his scent. Eventually she halted when her mouth was just level with his ear. "God, I've been waiting for this all day. Will you please just shut up and kiss me?"

Jack didn't need to be asked twice. That smile was back as he slid his hand into her hair and did exactly as she asked. He kissed her long and slow and deep, mesmerized by the way her taste and her scent and her heat ricocheted throughout his body in the space of a heartbeat. It was like the first time he'd kissed her, the first time he'd tasted her, but this was better, because he knew what was coming and how utterly, unbelievably good it was going to be, and he also knew how lonely and cold he'd been without her. Hindsight truly was twenty-twenty. And there was no way in hell he was going back to where they'd been.

It would have been all too easy to be consumed. He felt consumed right now, fighting as he was to maintain his control and what little there was left of his sanity. He had already decided that this was all there was going to be for them tonight. And for now, it was absolutely enough. It was perfection. As their lips glided together, bodies melding unconsciously, comfortably, it was like coming home. They tasted and teased and explored each other, almost tentatively after so long, and Jack knew that Samantha was feeling what he was, because he could taste it on her skin, in her kiss. Awe... reverence... love... And when they finally pulled away, both wore identical smiles. He pulled her closer, until she was snuggled against his chest once again, exactly where she wanted to be.

TBC…


	15. Safe

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Fourteen:** Safe

Darkness. Pain. Regret. Guilt. She hadn't been fast enough, and now she was paying the price. Every blow was her due, exactly what she deserved. She'd been too late. As they rained down, she knew with a cold certainty that she was going to die. Here. Now. Today. She was never going to see her son again. Because it was only right. She couldn't save him, so she didn't deserve to see her own son again. Didn't deserve to live. And now, would cease to, very soon. Still she fought, with everything she had, to little avail. The darkness encroached on all of her senses, swallowing her. And then she ceased to be.

"No. NO!" Sam was thrashing with her nightmare before Jack was awake and alert enough to realize what was going on. He moved closer without conscious thought, realizing the stupidity of that course of action when a fist caught him in the jaw and another one split his lip. _Shit._ She still packed a helluva punch, he'd give her that, he thought with a chuckle and a flash of pride. And she was still out of her head with panic. He moved closer, ducking as her arm shot out again.

"Sam, it's me, baby, wake up. You're dreaming, baby, you're here with me, you're safe, wake up." He kept his voice calm and soothing, running his hands lightly over her skin but being careful not to restrain her in any way. "Samantha."

She shot up and almost out of the bed, coming awake hard and painfully with a spasmodic jolt, staring at him smack in her personal space as she tried to drag air into her lungs. Jack was still murmuring softly to her, his eyes dark and worried, unconcerned about the blood that had welled on his face and was beginning to drip off. Relief filled his eyes when he saw the recognition in hers, and he sagged against the pillows, gently pulling her against his chest as her own still heaved. "It's okay, baby. I've got you."

Closing her eyes tightly against the images that had been rampaging through her mind, she let herself relax into him, grateful for his presence and his understanding and his strength. God knew he had held her through enough nightmares, just as she had him, for his. She felt a pang when it hit her that he had probably been suffering with his own nightmares these past few years as she had. There had been no one to hold her through them, and she hadn't wanted anyone. If she couldn't have him, there was no point. They had been good together, she thought as the memories rushed through her. They had been good for each other, once. They could be again. He was the only thing holding her to reality right now, and she didn't know what she would do without him here.

As her heart finally ceased trying to thud its way out of her chest and began to slow, she reached for him, running her fingers across his face and enjoying the contrasting sensations of the roughness of his stubble and the softness of his lips. God, it had been so long. She had lost count of how many times she had wanted to touch him, and couldn't. She had so much lost time to make up for…

And then her hand came away sticky and she opened her eyes, looking down to see her fingertips smeared with his blood. Oh, crap. And there it was. The reason she shouldn't be sleeping with him, or with anyone. Shamed, she pulled away from him. Damn it.

Jack turned on his side, rolling behind her as she turned away from him, wrapping his arms around her when she would have curled herself into a ball as far away from him as she could manage and cried herself back to sleep. "Hey, it's okay. I'm fine. Come here. Let me hold you. Let me make you feel safe again."

Damn him anyway. There was no way she could resist him when he said things like that, when his touch was so sweet and so soft and so loving. She had zero defenses against this man, and always had. He got under her skin like no one else ever had, or would again. Slowly she turned to burrow into his broad chest, sighing with the rightness of it as his arms wrapped around her and held her tightly.

And he was right. She did feel safe with him. Always had. And even though she didn't deserve it, she'd take it. Right now, she'd take it.

TBC…


	16. Going home

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Fifteen:** Going home

Samantha woke from what felt like yet another mini-power-nap in Jack's arms. This time she was on her side facing away from him and he was wrapped around her, his chest firm and warm against her back. She hummed blissfully at the feeling. This felt exactly right. She kept her eyes closed and didn't dare move, for fear she'd wake him and burst this bubble of safety and love. He had made her feel so very loved last night, and she didn't ever want for this to end. She wanted to stay here, just like this, forever.

But that wasn't possible, was it? Life would go on like it always did. Could they make it work this time? She had no idea. She only knew that she didn't want to go home if it meant being without this, being without him.

Jack watched her carefully as the doctor went over all of his findings. She was cleared to go home today, but the doctor reiterated that he didn't want her to be alone. He absorbed her look of shock when he simply said, "She won't be alone." He had no intention of letting her go home alone. He just hoped she would agree to come home with him.

Samantha was still in a state of shock. She sat on the couch in Jack's apartment, watching Finn and Kate and Hanna play a game on the X-box, surrounded with blankets and with love. She had had no way to refuse when he'd turned to her and asked her, _asked_ instead of told, which was very un-Jack Malone of him, if she would let him and their kids take her home and take care of her. She had no defenses against this man when he asked her like that, and she knew if she let him know it she might as well just cede all control to him now and be done with it. But right now she just couldn't care. This was too damn close to everything she had always wanted to turn down.

Jack had left her in the kids' care while he went to her place to get the things she would need for a stay at his place, and then stopped by the store for groceries. She looked up when he walked through the door, arms laden down with bags, wincing when she saw the cut on his lip and the darkening bruise underneath his eye. Just more proof that she was no good for him. As if she needed more. It would never not be true, and all the hoping and wishing in the world wouldn't make a difference.

Sighing, she forced herself to look away. She shouldn't be here. She should really go home. But she had no way to get there, not on her own. And she really didn't want to leave, she thought, watching him banter with the girls and Finn as he crossed the room to the kitchen. She wanted to stay. Forever. And she knew that probably wouldn't ever happen, because she would do something to screw it up. But she wanted it, _so badly._ Closing her eyes, she let herself relax, let herself drift into the fantasy that this was their reality, that this was something they could possibly maintain. He was back after a few minutes, not saying anything, just sitting there next to her, rubbing circles into her back, trading conversation with their kids, acting for all the world like he was content just to be close to her. She felt herself drifting, and didn't fight it, allowing his gentle touch to lull her to sleep, even as she fervently hoped that she would wake up soon. And that he would still be beside her.

When Jack woke her for dinner, she was almost alarmed with how much of the day she had slept away. She felt like it was all she had done for weeks; she wanted to talk to him and the girls and play with Finn, not sleep! It was nerve-wracking sleeping in front of them on the couch as she had, because she never knew how she would react, but with him next to her for most of the afternoon, she had slept peacefully, and the realization amazed her. He had kept her nightmares away, and his smile was, once more, just a little smug, as if he knew just how strongly she reacted to him, conscious or unconscious. Part of her was still as afraid of needing him too much as she'd always been, and the rest of her was enjoying it a little too much. She refused to eat on the couch and was determined to sit with them at the table, as determined as she was to reach it on her own steam, and as frustrated as he had to be with her, he didn't say a word. He simply wrapped an arm around her and let her lean on him for as long as it took, one step in front of the other, and scooted his chair next to hers when it looked like she was about to fall over from the exertion of simply holding herself upright.

Looking into his eyes to tell him to back off, she found that she suddenly had zero inclination to make him do so. She wanted him this close. Sighing, she leaned into him as he wrapped an arm around her and kissed her temple. Relaxing against him, she told herself that it was okay to need him right now. That she may need him now, but she would be here for him when he needed her, so it was okay. And was still telling herself that when the doorbell rang, and it was Danny and Elena coming by to check on her.

"Jesus, Jack. What the hell happened to you?" were the first words out of Danny's mouth, and Jack glared at him even as he felt Sam pull away from him. Shit, he didn't need this now. He'd spent all day trying to convince her it was no big deal, and that she was still going to be sleeping with him. As of about an hour ago she was still undecided. As of right now, she'd probably decided she deserved to take the couch, or maybe the floor.

"It's nothing, Danny," he growled, making everyone look at him. Samantha sighed, getting up carefully from the table to head for the couch.

"I had a nightmare last night, and woke up swinging," she told him wearily, meeting his eyes with hers. Danny looked at her worriedly, lifting his hand to her face.

"Oh, honey, that's not good. You need to get some sleep." Instantly he recognized the signs in her face. "Why don't you go see a shrink? Get rid of all that? Get some kick-ass sleeping pills?"

Samantha rolled her eyes. "That's not the answer, Danny. I'm not taking sleeping pills. I'll be fine. I just need time." She leaned up and hugged him. "But thank you for caring, and thank you both"—she encompassed Elena with her eyes—" for everything you've done, for taking such good care of Finn. There are no words for how much that means."

Danny hugged her back warmly. "It was nothing. You're family. You know that."

"I do, and I love you, too. Now get the hell out of my business," she told him mock sharply, pulling away and giving his shoulder a little push.

"All right, all right, I was just worried about spousal abuse. Poor Jack isn't as young as he used to be."

That got laughter as well as more glares, and he finally lifted his hands in surrender. "Easy, easy, now. Don't hit me."

"It was an accident, damn it! It won't happen again." She tried to stomp off in a huff, but it was more like a halfhearted limp off in the direction of the couch that lost some of its impact, she thought as she sunk down into the pillows. Luckily Jack was there to deflect all of the rest of their questions, and conversation began to flow easily, as she felt her ire start to cool. A few minutes later, when Jack joined her on the couch, sliding his arm around her shoulders as if nothing had ever happened, the warmth that his touch set off inside of her thawed her completely and she found herself snuggling into his side freely. He turned to look at her searchingly, and no words were needed; she swore she could hear everything he was thinking. _Hey, you okay?_ So with her eyes she told him she was fine. Which got her a little smirk and a quirk of his eyebrow. _Uh-huh. Don't listen to Danny. It looks worse than it is._ Which got him a look of disbelief, quickly answered with a glance at her mouth. _Kiss it and make it better, then_, his eyes told her. So she did, with a series of tiny soft butterfly kisses all around his lip that had him feeling anything but pain. In fact, he wanted to take her to bed as soon as possible, even if all they did was sleep.

Finally she kissed his lips sweetly, adoringly, and it was that one that Danny and Elena saw when they turned to ask her something. Instantly Elena elbowed her husband to be quiet, and he shut up. The look he gave her said _it's about damn time. _And the look she gave him said _they deserve it. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's those two._

Sam had dozed off just before their guests left, and after Jack walked them to the door and thanked them for everything, he lifted her carefully in his arms and carried her into his bedroom, setting her down just as carefully and then covering her with the blanket. She woke as he laid her down and looked up at him, blinking, as if surprised to see him standing there. "Is there anything you need?" he asked her, almost too nervous to be still. Seeing her here, again, in his bed, her hair fanned across his pillow, made him jittery and needy and he was terrified that any minute he was going to do something wrong, say the wrong thing, overwhelm her with everything that he was trying desperately to keep inside. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't go back to the way things had been before. It would be unbearable.

She shook her head and tried to smile at him, and he nodded. "Okay then, good night." He hesitated, then bent over her to drop a soft kiss on her forehead, his hand stroking her cheek as he straightened and then turned to leave.

He was surprised when her hand clasped his wrist surprisingly tightly. "Jack?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yeah?" He could have kicked himself when he realized that he probably sounded curt with her. This was harder than he'd thought it would be. Sleeping next to her for the past four days had felt so right; he didn't want to leave her now for a minute.

"You… you slept beside me in the hospital."

He looked at her steadily, and then away. "I did." He wasn't apologizing. He still thought it had brought her back to him. He was never going to apologize for that.

"Will you stay with me, please?" Shocked eyes flew to hers, and he understood completely not wanting to be alone. He wanted to stay with her so very badly, but he wasn't sure it was a good idea. He was still too raw from almost losing her, from realizing just how many times he had pushed her away and gotten second, and third, and fourth chances when it was more than he deserved, and then blowing them every time. He knew he didn't deserve this one, but that didn't stop him from wanting it more than oxygen. And there was no way he could deny her anything.

Finally he nodded slowly. "If that's what you want." Then he looked at the doorway. Finn and the girls were still awake. "Let me just go tell the kids good night." He brought a bouncing happy Finn back with him to kiss his mother good night, and closed the door when he bounced out just as happily, going back to the movie he'd been watching with the girls. It was still early, not yet nine o'clock. Jack looked back at her in his bed. "Are you sure about this?" he asked her softly. He wanted her to be sure. It was suddenly important. It hit him then that, hard as it had been, the hospital had been the easy part. This was even harder.

Samantha didn't answer, just nodding weakly, her heart thudding far too loudly in her chest to be able to put words together coherently right now. She watched him as he went to the bureau and got out pajama pants and a T-shirt, then went into the bathroom to change. She watched him as he walked around to the other side of the bed, getting in carefully so as not to jar her, and then settled himself into the pillows, finally extending his arm and gently pulling her closer, until they were both on their sides facing each other, her head pillowed on his arm. Though there were still six inches between them, the sudden sense of déjà vu this position gave her made it feel unbearably intimate. How many times had they lain just like this, just talking late at night? Looking into his eyes now, she was painfully aware that the fact that it was a big deal to lie here like this now was all her fault. And yet there was no censure anywhere on his face. He was simply there, for her, calm, steady, so sure now after all these years, and it shamed her unbearably. His eyes were steady and intense on hers, watching her intently like he was memorizing every inch of her, as if he couldn't get enough. As if he would never get tired of looking at her.

Finally she just couldn't take any more. She closed her eyes, rolling away from him with effort. "I'm sorry," she told him, on the brink of tears. "I shouldn't have asked this of you. You don't have to stay."

He stopped her with a gentle hand on her face, not letting her face away from him even though he would have enjoyed nothing more than wrapping himself around her and spooning himself against her from behind. "Samantha," he said quietly. "There is no place else I'd rather be." The warm sincerity in his voice brought those damn tears to her eyes.

"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you."

"Samantha. Do you really think I could blame you for something I've already done, to you?"

"It's not the same—"

"It is," he insisted, "because our misguided intentions were the same." He reached over to cup her face in his hand, tracing it carefully with his fingertips. "I love you, Samantha Spade. Always have, always will."

Her eyes fluttered closed at his touch, wanting to savor it and let it sink into her bones. She never thought she'd feel it again. "I love you," she whispered. This time when she turned on her side, he let her and moved with her, until he was wrapped around her like he'd wanted to be for so long. Jack leaned over and placed soft kisses on the back of her neck. "Sleep," he told her quietly, and with him there next to her, wrapped around her, making her feel safe and warm and loved, there was no reason to refuse.

TBC…


	17. Lost again

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Sixteen:** Lost again

Samantha woke slowly, feeling warm and safe. It was so different from her time in the hospital, when the darkness had made her feel like she was deep underwater and couldn't breathe, couldn't see, couldn't move. She could move as she wished now, but she wasn't planning on going anywhere, because where she was right now felt too damn good. Sometime in the night she had turned back to Jack and was now curled up against his chest, her cheek resting against bare skin. _Mmmmm_… it was very nice. A comfort that brought her a peace she had thought she would never feel again.

As she slowly came awake she remembered staggering to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and then peeling off her too-warm pajamas and slipping on one of his T-shirts. It was long on her, falling to mid-thigh, and she could feel it now falling off one shoulder, as well as riding too high under the covers.

Slowly she opened her eyes, and nearly groaned at the view. Obviously he had been hot during the night at well. His T-shirt had been discarded, and now he wore only those sleep pants that rode low on his hips. She knew he was working out more because Hanna had mentioned that they went running together. And, damn, did he look good. He always had been the only man in any room that she had shared with him. And she knew that what she was feeling right now was his normal physiological reaction to the morning and had nothing to do with her in the least, but that didn't stop her from wanting to make the most of it, even as she knew that wasn't her right, not anymore.

And then his words from last night came back to her with a jolt. _I love you. Always have, always will._ And that slow melting look in his eyes… that look that had always been just for her. It had been there, in his eyes, last night.

So maybe she had more rights than she thought. The thought made her heart begin to pound in her chest. Dear God, what this man could still do to her… Right now… having him here so close, feeling his skin under hers felt like she had everything she had ever wanted within her grasp.

She let her eyes slide shut, listening to the steady sound of his heart beat beneath her ear, letting her hand wander slowly across his chest, over his warm skin and the muscle underneath. She felt his muscles jump and quiver under her touch as she slowly slid lower, over his abdomen, and lower still, caressing him through his pants, feeling him jolt into her touch, then felt as well as heard the deep groan that seemed ripped from his chest.

Jack reached down and grabbed her hand, unable to take much more of her soft touches before he embarrassed himself like a teenager. He had no idea whether she was awake and testing his limits or asleep and reacting on instinct. All he knew was that it had been too long and he needed her far too badly to hold out much longer when she touched him like that. Pulling her hand up to his chest, he changed his mind and brought it to his lips when he realized that she was, in fact, very much awake. _Well, all right then._

Kissing her knuckles lingeringly, Jack couldn't stop the smile that spread its way across his face as he then turned her hand over and pressed a kiss into her palm, not missing her sudden intake of breath. Her hand drifted across his face, and his eyes slid shut at the glorious feeling. Samantha Spade was here in his arms, wanting him, needing him. If this was a dream he never wanted to wake up.

He kissed her, because he couldn't help himself. She responded to him instantly, her hands holding him close gliding over his face, his neck, threading through his hair. Opening his eyes, he drank her in. She was just so beautiful like this, her face devoid of makeup, her eyes soft and hot on his. They filled with tears that spilled over even as he kept staring at her, and he raised his hand to brush them away, immediately concerned, until she smiled. "I never thought I'd be able to do that again," she said quietly, her voice and her eyes full to the brim with her own regret.

"Shhh," he told her. "You're okay. I'm here. I'll be here as long as you'll have me."

"I don't deserve it," she said stubbornly. "I don't deserve you." But she wanted to. So very badly.

"I don't deserve you, either, but I don't care anymore. I need you, Sam. I don't know how I thought I could live without you. I didn't. Without you I just exist. You're a part of me. The best part."

She didn't agree, and wouldn't, ever, but right now all that mattered was that Jack was here, loving her. She closed the distance between them and pressed her mouth to his, pouring all the love she felt for him into her kiss. She sighed into his mouth as she felt him gather her close to his chest, close to his heart. She let him drag her over his chest, positioning her carefully, and she melted against him. No one had ever been so careful with her, so loving, and she knew now that there would never be anyone else for her: just this man.

She was lost again, but this time it was in the very best way. His scent… his taste… his warmth… his touch… She felt intoxicated, reeling with the best high of her life as he kissed her so single mindedly, so thoroughly that everything else in the world was instantly obliterated. There was nothing else.

Dimly through her haze of pleasure came the realization that she was wrapped around him, straddling his hips, and she became aware of the hard ridge of him beneath her, pressing against her intimately, insistently. Reminding her that she had worn just his T-shirt to bed, and nothing else. And God, right now she wanted him badly. Still kissing him deeply, she ground herself against him, feeling his deep groan vibrate through her body and reverberate through her bones. His hands slid swiftly down from where they'd been on her shoulders to the curve of her behind, instinctively pressing her closer, and now she moaned into his mouth. "Oh, yes, Jack, _please_…"

The needy sound of her voice affected him like nothing else. He slid his hands under the hem of his T-shirt—damn, did she look hot in his T-shirt!—and got the shock of his life when his fingers encountered bare skin—very damp bare skin. Growling his approval, his entire body bucked up into hers.

And then he realized what he was doing. Dear Lord, he had to stop this. She had only been out of the hospital one day, and already he wanted to take her like an animal. His hands clenched hard on the bare skin of her hips as he jerked himself back with effort, panting like he'd just run a marathon. What the hell was he thinking?

Above him, Samantha looked down at him in shock. She was feeling better than she had in years—let's be honest, the best _ever_—and he was _stopping_?

TBC...

**A/N: I didn't just stop there, did I? Oh, I did... oops? *ducks* :D**


	18. Mine

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Seventeen: Mine**

**A/N: Awww, I'm sorry! It couldn't be helped. I was too tired! You're lucky I finished most of this story while I was on vacation, because going back to work after 2 weeks off is EXHAUSTING! :P This is an M-ish chapter. Just a little bit, but still. You won't miss anything plot-wise if you want to skip it. **

"Sam…" Jack didn't recognize his own voice, as rough as it was right now. This had quickly gotten out of control. He wanted her so badly but this wasn't right. It was too soon. He stared at her through the fog of his own lust, watching as her eyes opened on his, pupils dilated with desire and realized she was panting with need. _For him_. Damn it, how was he supposed to resist her? She made him hotter and harder than anyone else ever had. Always had.

Carefully he rolled them so that they were on their sides. Whether she admitted it or not, he knew damn well that there were too many sore spots remaining on her body to take this very far, too many to facilitate putting his weight on her, or even hers on him. He knew she wouldn't say a word, and he didn't want to hurt her, as much as he knew she probably couldn't care less right now. She would later, which was why it wasn't happening.

Fighting to slow things down just a little, he kissed her again, soft and slow and sensual. The need to take care of her rose fiercely within him, greater even than his need for her right now. And that was saying something. He ran his hands down her body to grasp the hem of his shirt, sliding it up until it was above her breasts and over her head, taking them in his hands as she arched into him and cried out with a broken moan. "Don't stop, please don't stop," she begged, sliding her hands over his chest and up his back to grip tightly onto his shoulders, one hand holding onto him tightly while the other one slid through his hair to the back of his neck.

He kept his eyes tightly closed as he buried his face in her neck, drowning in her scent and her taste as he let his hands relearn her body. This would be for her, he decided, only for her. He could hold himself back, for now, for as long as it took for her to be stronger and until they at least had the chance to talk. He knew if he looked at her beautiful body right now he wouldn't stand a change. If he saw the desire in her eyes, he would do whatever she damn well asked for. He knew he wasn't strong enough to resist her.

And she was too close to deny her now. "Jack, please…" He ran his hands over her hardened nipples again, groaning into her skin as she moaned loudly and arched into him. He didn't have to look at her to know her eyes were wide with shocked pleasure. He could feel it in the tension of her body. "Jack!" Licking up her neck and sucking her lobe into his mouth, he let his hands wander lower, growling with his own need when his fingertips reached her soaked flesh.

He _could_ do this, he told himself. This would be about her, just for her. He would hold himself back. He _could_. He would wait until the right time. There would be no rushing things this time. It was too important, for both of them. When they were finally together again, it would be because they had both made the decision to commit themselves to each other again, the way they should have done a long time ago.

And then he had to open his eyes. He _had_ to see her the way she looked right now, caught in the throes of the passion _he _created inside her. Beads of sweat were popping up on her skin now, and he licked them up greedily, his mouth all over her now. He moved his mouth slowly, inexorably lower as he let his fingers tease and play in her wet heat. He felt her twitch under his touch, and heard her gasp as he sucked her nipple into his mouth at the same time he slid a finger deep inside. Sam bucked against him instantly, moaning loudly, her hands clamping onto his shoulders fiercely. "OH! JACK!" He grinned around her flesh at the sound of his name on her lips in _that tone_ and flicked at her nipple with his tongue, biting lightly, adding another finger to the mix, watching her reaction multiply in intensity in mere moments.

"You're so wet for me," he growled into her skin, bringing his mouth back to hers quickly to swallow her loud moan, moving down her throat with hot open-mouthed kisses until he reached the base, biting lightly.

"YES! Jack!" she gasped into his mouth. "Oh, God, Jack, it's been so long. I… I need you… so badly." Her words were broken syllables sobbed against his hot mouth.

That made him growl and bite into her neck again, probably too hard, but she arched into him instantly, loving it, he thought with a dark hunger. "How long, baby?" he growled, licking the marks he'd made on her soft skin, soothing it before he moved on to mark her again, just because he loved her reaction so much. "How long has it been since you've come hard, shaking and screaming?"

Oh, _God_, how could she have forgotten how much she missed this? Because she'd had to, or she'd have lost her mind without it, without him. She pulled back, needing him to see the truth in her eyes. "Since you," she breathed, reveling in the dark primal satisfaction in his eyes. "Every time I made myself come, I would pretend it was you. Your hands, your mouth on me. You deep inside me."

Her eyes darkened on his, and damn it, how in the hell was he supposed to keep himself from slamming himself inside of her when she said things like that to him? "That's right, baby," he growled, "because you're _mine_."

He thrust deeper, harder, his mouth fastening tight to her breast again, sucking, biting, drawing out her desperate moans until they seemed to sink into his skin, his bones, his soul. Samantha threw her head back into the pillows, eyes squeezing shut, her hands clutching him desperately, one sliding into his hair and holding him tightly to her while the other raked her nails down his back, delighting in his needy growl of approval. "Please!" she begged brokenly. "Please, Jack… I need…"

He moved to the other breast, lavishing it with the same treatment even as he could feel her tightening around him, readying herself to explode, and began to brush right where he knew made her the craziest with his thumb, pressing harder when he felt her hips buck against him harder than before. "Yeah, baby, tell me."

"I need you in me! Please! Jack!"

He licked back up her throat to her ear. "Not yet, baby. When I take you again, our kids can't be here because I'm going to make you scream my name, over and over while you come all over my cock, over and over and over…"

His seductive rasp in her ear pushed her over the edge, his mouth back on hers, kissing her ravenously to muffle the sounds she made as she lost her mind.

"Open your eyes, Samantha," he growled thickly, "I want to see you."

She complied instantly, and the sight of her eyes darkened with need only pushed him further, propelling his mouth back to her breast, roughening his hold as he latched on with his teeth, inflaming her further. "That's it, baby," he growled. "Give it to me."

She no longer had any control over her own body. It was his. As was she. Always. She stared into his eyes as he tossed her over the edge deftly with a minute twist of his fingers, groaning her pleasure into his mouth as he swiftly took hers again in a harsh deep kiss, driving his tongue as deep as he wished he could do with the rest of him right now. Her hands tightened on his shoulders as she rode out the aftershocks of the most intense waves of pleasure she could ever remember having. Even sated and blissful, she still longed for him, deep inside, and moved her mouth to his ear to tell him so.

"And you'll have it. You'll have all of me. But this isn't just for today, Samantha. I want us to last forever this time. I want us to do it right." The love in his eyes just melted her, and she wrapped her arms shakily around him to bring him closer even as she still panted for breath and felt her heart careening out of control in her chest, holding onto him like she'd never let go.

TBC…


	19. Who are you?

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Eighteen: **Who are you?

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. This chapter was not playing nicely. Still don't like it, but oh well. This is another M chapter. Awww, come onnnn, that last chapter wasn't _that_ "M," was it? If you thought that was M, then this will be M with a capital M... :D not much plot, won't hurt my feelings if it's not your thing. We'll be getting back to actual plot next chapter... maybe... ;)**

In time, Samantha came back to earth enough to realize that she had received much more brain-melting pleasure than she had given. Wanting to rectify that immediately, she reached for him where she could feel him hard and thick against her belly. She could feel his muscles trembling from the effort it was costing him to hold himself back, to make this only about her, and felt swamped with love once again. No other man would go to the lengths for her that this man would, did, _had_, and she was an idiot for not realizing it sooner. Well, she was realizing it now, and things were going to change, she vowed.

"Don't!" he rasped, too gruffly, making her freeze in confusion, the hurt clear on her face. He softened instantly. "Baby, I won't be able to hold back if you touch me. I need you too much. Please, just give me a minute…"

"I want to touch you," she said quietly, her eyes dark and hot on his. God, she made him feel ten feet tall when she looked at him like that! But he had no self-control when it came to her. She had to know that.

"Sam, I want you too badly. I won't be able to hold back. I'll hurt you, and I won't let that happen."

Shakily, she rose on one arm, taking in his clenched jaw and the way every muscle in his body was as taut as steel with his own effort to hold back. He really would do anything for her, she thought in wonder. Slowly the smile spread its way across her face. "It's okay, baby. Just relax. I'm fine. Let me do what I want to you, please," she told him seductively, becoming aware of her power over him as if for the first time. He groaned, his eyes falling shut as his head fell back onto the pillows now. He never had been able to say no to her, and he wasn't able or willing to start now.

Carefully, slowly, she licked up his neck, closing her teeth gently over his skin and feeling the jolt that went through his body deep in her core, letting her hand slide slowly over his sweat-slick skin, enjoying the music of the noises he made. She began kissing her way over his skin, down his chest, licking his nipples carefully before sucking them into her wet mouth. It was her turn to growl into his skin as she slid off his sleep pants and wrapped her hand around him possessively, feeling his hips buck instantly. She waited patiently for him to open his eyes, and when he did, she began to lick and kiss her way deliberately down his chest to his belly, stroking him gently. She knew she had him when she stopped just over his hard length, his eyes never letting go of hers for an instant. "I want you in my mouth," she told him, her eyes hot and hungry on his, just before she let her tongue trace him ever-so-lightly and then took him into her mouth as deeply as possible.

That nearly broke his restraint altogether. "Sam! Fuck!" he yelled, and she smiled wickedly as she raised her fingers quickly to his lips to quiet him. Without missing a beat, he sucked them into his mouth, suckling hungrily as she moaned again around him and he gasped in pleasure, feeling her take him deep. "Samantha, Samantha." He was chanting her name, mindless, his eyes shut, tensing with the effort it cost him to keep from thrusting into her, but he almost couldn't help it. It was so good. Better than anything had ever been.

Samantha watched his face, enjoying the look of rapture that she had put there, watching his muscles tighten again, enjoying the knowledge that she could make him lose control to this degree, knowing he was close. "Come for me," she told him. "Right now." Which was a good thing, because he couldn't hold it back now if he tried. He let go, letting the intense pleasure sweep over him in waves, overwhelming him with its intensity.

It was a long time before he had the strength to move a muscle. He had felt her arousal surging again as she explored his body, and had intended to take care of her need again, when he could think again, but he could feel in the tenderness of her touch now and see in the soft look in her eyes that she was content now to stay right where they were right now. She held him close as happiness began to diffuse through her system, still unable to believe that she was here, that this was real. She ran her fingers through his hair, feeling her heart in her throat when he opened his eyes on hers. The impact of their intensity was like a surge of electricity directly to her heart. "I love you, Jack Malone. Always have. Always will."

"Love you too. Never stopped. Never will." He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close until she was snuggled into his chest in the most satisfying manner possible.

Although it was still early, there was no way he could go back to sleep. Not when the alternative was lying there with her so close, just watching her. He hadn't had the opportunity to look at her, really look at her, in so long before the last few days. Now he was doing it as much as he could, just soaking in everything about her that he had missed. And this, well... this was even better. Studying her naked in his bed was much more satisfying than the long unmarked hours in the hospital that were filled only with his own memories and regrets.

Careful not to wake her, he traced his fingers lightly over her skin, so much the same as he remembered and yet so different. So many new lines and freckles and scars, and yet she was more beautiful to him now than she had ever been. He couldn't explain it, but he felt it. And every scar made him realize how short life could be, that tomorrow wasn't guaranteed, for anyone, and made him regret so much lost time, when they could have had this.

Finally rising and dressing, he was very glad that the kids were both late and heavy sleepers, locked bedroom door or not. He figured he was at least as loud as she was, if not more so, and he hadn't been able to help himself. It had been so very long that it felt like a lifetime. And he had never enjoyed himself more than anything he did with her. What she made him feel had never been duplicated with another, and he knew now that it never would be. Even so, he thought now that they had probably jumped into the physical side of their relationship long before they were ready, so many years ago, and had paid the price. How good she made him feel couldn't take the place of communication and trust; he knew that now. He hoped he could keep it in mind for their future, because he knew now that she meant too much to him to let her go. Ever. Now he just had to convince her of it.

He went to work in the quiet kitchen, and was still drinking coffee at the table an hour later when the kids drifted in, surprised and pleased to find chocolate chip pancakes waiting for them. Later, when the place was quiet once again, he was still marveling at how easy it had been to bribe them with cash to take off for a while, heading to the mall and the movies to give Sam time to rest without feeling guilty that she should be doing more, that she should be up and socializing. He was still smiling when he slid back into bed with her, wanting to be the first thing she saw when she finally got around to opening her eyes.

Samantha yawned as her body and mind shrugged off sleep, becoming aware in an instant that she'd been sleeping with a half-naked Jack Malone, once again curled up against his chest, tucked under his chin with his arms wrapped around her. She hadn't had the chance to do this nearly as often as she'd wanted to, and she wanted to make up for all that lost time now. A quick glance at the clock told her that it was early afternoon, and she realized with a shock that she could easily stay here all day just like this, wrapped up in him. There was no noise from anywhere in the apartment, and she realized that this sneaky man had just found a very effective way to keep her in bed all day without complaint. And it had worked, because she had no complaints at all, just now. She was happy to just let herself relax into the peace of the moment, soaking in the warmth of his skin and the pleasant heat it sent through her as she ran her hand lightly over every inch of him that she could reach, which, in this position, was considerable, she thought with a smirk.

Jack thought it was worth every penny for the luxury of waking up twice in one day just like this. Maybe, if he played his cards right, he could wake up a couple more times today just like this. It was heaven. He smiled when he realized that she was awake and indulging in what he had earlier, just lying there watching him and running her hands over him like she had every right to. He liked that very much.

He also liked turning to her and catching her with that look in her eyes that he loved, the one that was just for him. He had really missed it. Oh, he'd seen it, a few times, when he'd known that she hadn't wanted him too, when she knew she was revealing too much. But to see it in her eyes this time, with her consent and acceptance this time, was almost overwhelming. "Hey," he said, simply unable to keep the smile off of his face. And he was aware that he had smiled more in the last couple of days than he probably had in the last ten years. He didn't care. He had plenty to smile about. "Good morning," he told her her, grinning when she merely arched a brow.

"It's no longer morning," she said drily. "If this is all a part of an evil plan to keep me in bed and out of trouble, it's working. And it's way too quiet. What did you do with our children?"

"Keeping you out of trouble is impossible, even for me. But I'll do my best. I paid off our children and sent them to the movies."

The pout that attached itself to her face was comical to watch. "Awww, what if I wanted to go to the movies?"

His grin was both sly and smug. "You don't want to go to the movies. You want to stay here in bed all day with me." The instant heat in his eyes brought their very enjoyable activities this morning rushing back into her mind, and heat curled through her anew with the images.

"I'll pick spending the day in bed with you every time that's an option," she purred, making him chuckle at the oh-so-satisfied expression on her face. He kissed her warmly, enjoying the contact and the way both of them savored it.

"Hold that thought," he told her, "and stay here. I'll be right back." As disappointed as he was to see she had slipped back into his T-shirt, the look on her face when she realized he was bringing her breakfast - okay, brunch - in bed made it worthwhile. And after the pancakes, fresh fruit and coffee, he surprised her again by running her a hot bath complete with bubbles liberated from Hanna.

She just stared at him, her thoughts running the gamut from the obvious perks to the panic-inspring thought that she'd have to remove her bandages for this. All of them. "Are you going to join me?"

He shrugged. "I could be persuaded." He could think of worse things. Lots of them.

Again, she just stared. "Who are you and what have you done with Jack Malone?"

He just smiled. He _really_ liked keeping her off balance. "Come on."

Samantha moaned low in her throat, her head resting comfortably on his shoulder, her back propped up against his chest, as his fingers rubbed shampoo into her hair and worked slowly and methodically over her scalp. This should be illegal; it felt that good. Just being this close to him would have been enough, just feeling his warm, smooth skin cushioning her back as his legs framed hers, but this was infinitely better. She smiled blissfully, her eyes shut and every muscle in her body having gone limp and languid both from the heat of the water and the gentle force of his touch. Even baring the stark ugliness of her scars wasn't bothering her as much as she'd thought it would; the awed covetous look in his eyes hadn't changed, and she knew she could get used to this very quickly. Hell if she hadn't already.

She turned her face to look at him, at this side of him she was pretty sure he never let anyone but her see. He could be an asshole; she hadn't forgotten that. He wasn't much for talking. That was true. But he let his actions speak for him, and right now he was taking such very good care of her when he didn't have to. She didn't expect it from him, hadn't _ever_ expected it from him, not to this extent. This was all him. His fingers still working firmly against her skin, moving down to her neck, pulling a long involuntary moan from deep within her at his thoroughness, he finally met her eyes. He didn't smile, didn't say a word, just looked at her steadily. She would have been hard-pressed to define that look and what it meant. So she didn't try. She let her eyes fall shut again, literally leaving herself in his hands, trusting him to take care of her.

Just that small thing was perhaps the most difficult thing for her to do. She had sworn from a very young age that she would never be dependent on a man, for anything. She had seen firsthand what good that did. She would never, ever be _that_ woman. That hadn't chanegd. She had spent most of her young life and all of her adult life being responsible for herself, being dependent on no one-man or otherwise- for a single damn thing, not even affection or attention. She could make her own living, defend herself, take care of her son alone. She could take care of herself. Period. And Jack Malone had never been emotionally available for her to be able to even pretend that she could lean on him, emotionally or otherwise. He wasn't able to be there for her; he wasn't even able to support himself, emotionally. She thought that she had served as a crutch for him for too long, a distraction for the issues and problems in his life that he didn't want to deal with. She had never tried to change him; she knew that was impossible. You couldn't change another person, no matter how hard you tried. She knew that from hard experience.

But things changed. People did change, with enough motivation, enough provocation. This wasn't the same Jack Malone she had met and fallen in love with so long ago. He was here for her, with more than just their electric, explosive chemistry. With more than just what he could give her _right now_. He was showing her that he cared about her in so many different ways. She still didn't want to become emotionally dependent on him, or on anyone, but this man, who was looking at her in a way no one _ever_ had, this man had her heart. If she was honest with herself, she knew that he had had it all along. She thought that finally, maybe, _now_, she could live with that fact. She thought that now, after all this time, it may just be safe with him.

TBC…


	20. Work in Progress

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Nineteen:** Work in Progress

Recovering went a lot slower than she had expected, and it was a frustrating process. The kids being there helped a great deal, and Samantha was enjoying time spent with all three of them, as well as with Jack. He wasn't overly solicitous, which she appreciated. He didn't hover. He also didn't take no for an answer, just insinuated himself in her personal space until she allowed herself to lean on him when needed. Which was often. Much too often, for her liking.

She jumped at loud noises. She didn't like darkness anymore, and had to sleep with the bathroom light on. She had nightmares when she moved away from him in her sleep, and as much as she loved sleeping in his arms, she hated that it was something she had to do rather than something she could freely enjoy.

As much as she wanted to be with him, she wanted it to be for the right reasons this time, because they both wanted to be together, not because he was the crutch she needed to retain her tenuous hold on her sanity, and right now the distinction between the two was too fine. She couldn't trust it.

Every day she grew stronger, and every day she grew surer that she wasn't what he needed, couldn't be what he needed. She was just too dependent on him now.

They were in constant contact with each other, whether it was a light touch as he walked by her or holding her hand or she was leaning against him while they watched a movie with the kids. And it wasn't only her, she had come to realize. He sought out her touch as well, seemed to crave it, and while she exulted in that fact, there was a part of her that wondered how much of that was because he had almost lost her and would fade in time. There was another part of her that didn't think they could possibly sustain this between them, and was on edge waiting for something to happen and it to end. She was forever waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He had surprised her one night by telling her that he didn't think they should consummate their relationship—of course he didn't use those words, but still—until they were both committed to each other and sure of it, and she was unreasonably shocked by that, from him, of all people. There had been no commitment when they'd first been together, years ago. It had gone on far longer than either of them had expected it would, far longer than either of them had planned. It had been far stronger than either of them had ever suspected it would be, could possibly be, but there had never been any expectations of forever. So the idea that he wanted something more permanent before they crossed that line this time shocked her. Commitment was never something he had wanted. Not from her. Even when they had been together the last time and were more committed than ever, it hadn't come up. They had just gone with the flow. And maybe that was their problem, Samantha thought with a flash of insight, realizing that maybe he had already had similar thoughts. Shock raced through her as his meaning hit home, that it meant more this time, that he wanted it to mean more. It was something she had never allowed herself to want, never allowed herself even to think about.

Still couldn't, really. But he was right. Without it, they would just be doing what they'd done before. Over and over. Always with a messy ending. He didn't want that, it was clear, and she didn't want that either. How to go about it was the problem . She had never been here before. She had no clue.

Every day she tried to get up and do something, even if it was just walking to the kitchen, or going downstairs and taking a short walk outside. As shaky as she had been when she first left the hospital, she was getting stronger, just not fast enough for her liking.

One day they took a picnic lunch to Finn's favorite park, and Samantha stretched out on a blanket under a tree and looked at the pictures of Hanna's new boyfriend on her phone, enjoying hearing their history and chatting with the girls while Jack and Finn threw the football. She couldn't help but remember the last time she'd seen them like this together, and the longing she'd had for them to be a family. She felt like that dream was coming true now, or at least was very close to coming true. Every time he came her way for anything, he took a second to kiss her, until those memories of loneliness and longing were overshadowed by new ones. Much nicer ones.

When the guys took a break to sit down and eat, Jack crowded into her personal space as he sat down next to her, pulling her close and kissing her soundly, telling her without words that he had wanted the exact same thing that she had on that day. His remembrance of that day and the longing he had seen in her eyes was clear in his eyes, and in his kiss. He had wanted what she had wanted just as badly, but he hadn't known what to say, hadn't known what to do to bridge the gulf they had somehow let spring up between them. Pulling back to grin at her, just a little smugly, she couldn't help but notice that he looked just as good as he had looked that day, just as dirty and sweaty and happy and gorgeous, and she couldn't help but return his grin, because, really, she was getting just what she wanted as well.

After lunch they dozed together on the blanket while Hanna and Kate took Finn over to the playground where he met up with friends he'd made from coming here so often. It wasn't until after they'd been awakened by Finn for his mom to meet his friends that the world came crashing down around her. She was about half awake, and looked up, smiling, at her son's cheerful voice. When she caught sight of the boys with Finn, she froze. Just froze, her heart thudding in her chest, hearing a roaring in her ears, all the blood draining from her face. _His face_. She couldn't look away, couldn't move, couldn't breathe for a long, terrifying moment suspended in time, until she felt Jack shaking her gently. "Sam, come on, Sam, it's okay, baby."

Instantly he understood what had happened. The kid was a blue-eyed towhead just like Connor Jameson. He had made sure he knew the details of the case, in case of circumstances like these. He caught Hanna's eye to take the kids back to the playground, and she rounded them up immediately and was walking off with them by the time Jack was able to get through to her. He was in front of her by this time, holding her to his chest. "Sam, I need you to breathe, baby. Those are Finn's friends. That's David, Sam. _David._ It's not Connor." Her eyes were still blank, still seeing _him_, and then her face jerked to his as understanding dawned, and she began to shake, shamed, anxious, and mortified with what she'd done.

"Please, I need to go. I need to go home. Please." He tried to tell her it was okay, that no one cared, that no one thought that Finn's mom was a freak, as she insisted, but in the end she refused to move from the blanket, sitting back against the tree trunk, her arms locked around her knees, curled in on herself. Finally Hanna and Kate and Finn returned, looking worried, and they went home in silence. That night, Samantha refused to let herself sleep , terrified that she'd dream of _him_ again, and wake up crying, or of _them_, and wake up swinging. All she knew was that she couldn't go on like this.

At the end of the week, Kate went back to Chicago, and on Monday Jack went back to work. Hanna had taken Finn to the park, and when Danny stopped by on Wednesday unannounced to see her, he was shocked with what he found. Feeling stronger, Samantha had gotten up and gotten moving around, deciding she wanted to go out. She wasn't planning on going crazy; she knew she couldn't drive. She would ask Hanna to drive her to the store and then maybe they could go to lunch. After faring well in the shower, she had come face-to-face with herself in the mirror and not been happy with what she saw. Her hair was now lopsided, not to mention the shaved areas, so she had taken scissors to it herself. The resulting hack job had her collapsed in a flood of laughter and tears, because, really, her life was a lot like her hair was right now. One big work in progress.

She opened the door to Danny and he could only stare at her as he followed her into Jack's apartment. Tears were still streaming from her reddened face, and she was still laughing almost hysterically. "Sure you want to come in?" she asked him over her shoulder. "I'm a mess right now." Which was the understatement of the year. She _was_ a mess.

"I thought you were doing better," he almost whined. "Jack didn't have any new bruises when I saw him this morning." He knew better to get in the middle of a woman's need-a-good-cry time.

That made her laugh through the tears that still fell. "That's because I'm not sleeping, Danny. I'm too afraid I'll hurt him again." She was only about half joking. She was still terrified of what she might do if she fell deeply asleep and had a nightmare. She looked at him. "I need to go home."

"Are you sure?" No, she wasn't. But for once she and Jack were on the same page. They wanted something together, something serious, and she knew she couldn't go on this way and have that too. She looked up at him. "I need help." She swallowed hard, looking at him. "Jack… he wants us to be together." Voicing it out loud gave her strength.

Well, duh. He could have told her that. Five years ago. "What do you want?" he asked her carefully.

That brought a half-laugh. "Come on, Danny. You know me. It's always been Jack for me, always. But I have a lot of work to do to get to that point. I sleep with a nightlight, for Christsakes! If he's not close to me I have nightmares and go nuts. That's no way to live. I won't put him through that. I think… I mean, I know I'll have to be cleared by my doctor and the department shrink before I can go back to work. I just think… I need to see someone on my own, and go back to my place for a while, work up to it slowly. I want us to have a chance, Danny, a real chance. I need to… I need to put this behind me, and I can't do that here wrapped in cotton not doing anything for myself."

He nodded. "And you think I can convince Jack of this?" His dubious expression made her smile.

"No, I wouldn't do that to you. I'll talk to Jack. Right now, could you just take me someplace to get this mess fixed?" She gestured to the hack-job of her hair. "And maybe find me a shrink?"

He grinned at her. "No one can fix you, you know that, right? You're too far gone."

She laughed. "I'm not asking for a miracle. I just want to be able to sleep without decking someone." And maybe see blonde, blued-eyed kids on the street without losing her marbles, but that may be asking for too much. Right now she'd take anything.

TBC…


	21. For the last time

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Twenty:** For the last time

After returning with her sort-of fixed hair, still short but not as bad as it was, Samantha took Hanna and Finn to lunch and to the grocery store, with a quick stop at her place for clothes. Although it had exhausted her thoroughly, she was pleased to have gotten out of the house without incident, and she'd gotten all the ingredients to make a nice dinner, having extracted Hanna's promise to help. She and Jack's daughter had a long heart-to-heart once they returned home, and Samantha was amazed when the young woman agreed with what she wanted to do. "I'd really like to see you and my dad make it work this time," she said quietly and sincerely, covering the older woman's hand with her own. "My dad has loved you for years. He's the happiest with you, and I want to see him happy. I still have a few months before classes start up again. I'll drive you to appointments, or wherever you need to go. I'll watch Finn whenever you like. Whatever I can do to help, I'm in." Tears had welled at the show of support from Jack's daughter, and she hugged her tightly.

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

When Jack got home semi-early from work, it was to find Samantha, Finn and Hanna making dinner, flowers and candles waiting on the table set for two. And then he stopped and stared. Her hair was gone. Or not gone, rather, shortened dramatically to make up for the parts that had had to be shaved during the surgery to relieve the pressure in her brain. As different as it was, all he could see was how beautiful she looked, the long lovely line of her neck now exposed, her eyes huge and luminous in her pale face, which had more color today than he'd seen in a while. She must have gotten some sun today, as well. She wore a long bright sundress that swirled around her body as she moved, and she seemed to be moving easier, as well. She had been wearing yoga pants and long T-shirts to hide the new scars, and he was glad to see them go.

When she turned and saw him, her eyes lit with something that he couldn't immediately define, but she was breathtaking. That was all he knew.

"Hey," she said self-consciously, wishing now that she could cover herself. That she hadn't hacked off her hair. That she wasn't still so shaky. That she…

And the look in his eyes stopped her from thinking and wishing altogether. Because she couldn't wish to see anything more in his eyes than what was already there. He was devouring her with his eyes, but at the same time, the love in them was plain to see. "Hey," he said, finally able to break the spell and move closer, kissing her lightly, and then greeting the kids. "What's all this?"

Her face heated, and she moved back to get dinner on the table. "Nothing much. I just thought we could… we need to talk, Jack. I thought we could have dinner and talk."

Dread spread swiftly through him. That didn't sound good. How many times was this woman going to break up with him?

She caught his look and had to smirk at him. "You're as bad as I am. Stop analyzing everything to death. Talking isn't always bad."

He snorted. "Yeah, well, you're never going to get me to agree with that, so no point in wasting time trying."

And this was rapidly going in the wrong direction. She reached out to pull him in for a kiss. Her first objective completed when his grumbling was instantly ceased, she smiled into his mouth and kissed him again, letting it wind out deliciously as he pulled her even closer. "Trust me," she whispered in his ear, nibbling there just a little before he growled and latched onto her neck like he'd been dying to do since he'd walked in the door.

"Always," was left somewhere in the vicinity of her collarbone as he got distracted with kissing his way down the lovely lines of her, and she finally had to give up trying to decide which was the more miraculous: the fact that he was still mesmerized by her or the fact that he still had it in him to trust her, with anything. She still didn't think she deserved him, but she was at the point where she didn't care if he didn't. Worthy or not, she wanted him.

Giggling amongst themselves, Finn and Hanna grabbed the pizza they had made for themselves and headed into the living room to put on a movie, as they sat together at the table, ate and talked. Jack relaxed once he knew it wasn't a brush-off meal and gave her a chance, even though he wasn't sure he was going to like where this was going. He did trust her. Once they'd eaten, they sat over wine and Samantha gathered herself for the speech she wanted to make, hoping she could get through it uninterrupted either by Jack or by her own emotions. She looked at him, forcing herself to take his hand rather than her wineglass, wanting to do it on her own without liquid courage for assistance. Besides, she could only have the one glass and she knew he'd be keeping count.

"I love you," she finally said. "I think I've loved you since the first time I saw you. I haven't ever stopped. It's always been you, for all these years. I want to be with you now—so much—but you're right. I want to do it right this time. I don't want it to end messy this time, for either one of us. I don't want it to end, at all. And I love you for this—" she lifted her hands widely, encompassing the room, the apartment, all he had done to take care of her. "All of it. I think the doctor was right. I don't think I would have come back for anyone but you. But I can't be with you like this, like I am right now." She took a deep breath, noticing his eyes intent on hers, not brushing off her concerns, but listening, and it gave her the courage to go on. "I can't keep sleeping with the light on. I can't keep trying to keep from falling into a deep sleep, or trying to keep close enough to you all night to keep from having a nightmare and giving you another black eye. I don't want to use you like that." She saw that his mouth opened to speak and held up her hand to stop him. "I don't want you to be with me because I'll fall apart without you, or for me to be with you because I'll fall apart without you. I don't want to need you for that."

"I want you to need me. There will be times when I'll need you too for those things," he said quickly. "You keep my nightmares away, too, Sam." That warmed her. She really, really wanted to be good for him this time. She really wanted to be what he needed, too.

"I know. But I need to be okay first before we try living together." His mouth opened, and then closed. This wasn't what he was expecting to hear, but he couldn't really find anything to argue with, so far. _She wanted to live with him. _"I want to go home, Jack, just until I get myself together. I'm not _leaving _you," she said quickly. "I think you're right about starting over, about doing this right this time, for the _last time_. I want for us to… to date, if that's all right with you." They had never dated. He grinned at her in spite of himself, feeling suddenly like a damned teenager. _She wanted to date him_. She wanted to do this right, _for the last time_. She wanted them to get it right. There was nothing he wanted more.

Concern for her evaporated his giddiness. "Are you sure you're ready? Are you cleared to drive?" He knew she wasn't. She hadn't been back to the doctor yet.

"I think Finn and I should go back to my place. Hanna has offered to drive me anywhere I need to go, until I'm cleared to drive, and to help out with Finn. We went out to lunch today, and to the store, _with Hanna driving_, and I was fine. I'll have doctor's appointments, and I… I'm going to meet with a shrink tomorrow. I need to get my head on straight. And I hope you'll come by, too, as often as you can. And then, maybe, we can talk about living together or where we go from there. You know, if you still want to."

Jack just sat and stared at her. Of all the things he had expected her to say, none of that was it. He almost couldn't believe any of it, couldn't believe they had come to a place where such things could be possible. He wanted to say the hell with it, they loved each other and she wasn't going anywhere, to take her to bed and change her mind like he knew he probably could if he really put his mind to it.

But what she was talking about was for _them_, for their future, _together_. He had waited so many years for her. He could wait as long as he had to, as long as they were trying, together.

He picked up her hand that was still in his and lifted it to his lips, kissing each knuckle, relishing the melting look of love in her eyes that she held only for him. "I love you, always have, always will. I'll do anything you need." Leaning across the space between them, he kissed her cheek, then moved slowly to her mouth, kissing her slowly, deeply, feeling her melt into him. "And I would love to take you dancing." He found her eyes again, and knew she remembered as he did that he'd always wanted to take her dancing.

"I'd love that," she said almost shyly.

He grinned slowly. "Friday night?"

She nodded. "It's a date."

"What now?"

She swallowed, the prospect of not spending the night in his arms suddenly daunting. For all her tough talk, she didn't really know if she could do it. She definitely didn't want to. "I… Can you… take me and Finn home?" It was just one night. She met with the therapist tomorrow. Even if she sat up all night with every light on, she could do it.

"Yeah, I can. Can I stay awhile, get you settled in?"

Samantha nodded a little too quickly. "Yes, please."

And then he just couldn't take it anymore. Pushing back his chair, he stood and took her in his arms, just holding her tightly, not saying a word.

TBC…


	22. Starting Over

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**_A/N: Okay, I'd better wrap this one up quick because it's already spawned another one, and it makes this one look light and fluffy. My muse is not happy to be taken away from it. _**

**Twenty One:** Starting Over

Being in her bed alone felt wrong now. Her soul felt hollow without him there, and she was sure now that it wasn't just because she was using him to fend off her nightmares. It was the enjoyment she'd taken in having him close... his scent, his warmth, his touch. And it wasn't all one-sided, she realized. She knew that he had enjoyed all those things, too. She kept his own nightmares at bay as well, she realized belatedly, noting with a wry smile that he had tried to remind her of that fact, but hadn't pressed her when she had insisted. This was his way of trying, for her, of trying to change to be what she needed, instead of pushing and pushing as he once would have until he inevitably pushed her away. Needing to hear his voice all of a sudden, she reached for the phone, nearly dialing before she glanced at the clock and realized what time it was. 2:37 a.m. Too damn late.

Instead she sent him a text. _You were right, as occasionally happens. I am missing you right now. _

She didn't receive a reply right away, but she hadn't expected to. She smiled at the thought of him reading it when he woke and knowing that she was thinking of him in the middle of the night. She finally fell asleep, her phone in her hand, her eyes finally closing with the image on her nightstand, her favorite one of Jack and Finn grinning together, the last thing that she saw and the one that she carried with her into dreams, which were, for once, very nice dreams to have.

When Finn woke her in the morning, she felt though not rested, relieved that she had slept a little and refrained from losing what was left of her mind during the night. She hugged her darling boy to her chest, too beyond grateful for him, kissed him and hand in hand they went to make breakfast. Hanna was coming in a few hours to pick them up and drop her at the shrink's office, and she grinned to think of a co-conspirator in the form of Jack's daughter. They hadn't always been sure of each other, but had grown closer over time. And Finn was head over heels for her, especially since they'd spent so much time together in the last few weeks. His adventures with Hanna and Kate had distracted him somewhat successfully from her condition, and she knew that was a debt she could never repay.

The coffee was on and she was pouring dry cereal, the only thing she had to choose from since it had been over a month since she'd bought groceries, when her phone rang. Smiling at his face on the screen, she answered it immediately. It was just like Jack to call her after getting her text. He had grudgingly adapted to the technology, but most text lingo was still a mystery to him. "Hey," she said, taking her coffee into the living room where Finn was watching cartoons with his dry cereal.

"Hey yourself. What am I right about, besides the fact that you wouldn't sleep without me?"

She smiled, just hearing his voice with that early-morning gravel it held. Even though she'd seen him at work every day, they'd both worked hard to get back to friendly and professional and she'd missed this, so much. "That it wasn't just for the dreams. I do miss sleeping with you. I'd like to do it again, as soon as possible."

"Mmmmm. Friday night." His tone held a fair amount of his own anticipation.

"Ha. I'm not sleeping with you on our first date."

When once he would have remarked that she had slept with him without ever going on a date, he kept it back, instead groaning comically, making her laugh with the pitiful sound. "How about fooling around?" he asked hopefully, picturing in his mind the smile he had put on her face, that simple act enjoyable in itself.

"Hmmmm, we'll see about that," she mused, sounding thoughtful, and he cut in, his voice low and husky in her ear.

"After I take you dancing, holding you as close as possible and getting my hands on as much of you as I can." Her eyes slid closed at that picture in her head, his voice doing to her what it always did, and she realized suddenly that she was in deep trouble, because Jack Malone had finally realized the effect he had on her when he put his mind to it.

"I can't wait," she finally got out when she regained her faculties. And then it was his turn to swallow hard as her sultry tone raked over his senses.

"Neither can I. What time is your appointment?"

"It's at ten. I'm taking Hanna and Finn out to lunch if I survive."

"You'll be fine. You made it through the night."

"I stayed up 'til 3 and fell asleep looking at the picture of you and Finn on my nightstand. Then I slept for approximately four hours dreaming of you." And that was the only thing that had saved her. She was kidding herself if she thought she wasn't already dependent on him.

"I think I went to sleep just a few minutes before that. And I dream of you all the time. Much better than the alternative." He cleared his throat. "The first night I saw you in the hospital, I dreamed of you, that I had called you at 2:37 a.m. on the night that Maria left with the kids, when I was sitting there drinking alone. And I woke up thinking of how very different our lives could have been if I would have called you that night."

Samantha had no words for that. He didn't hold the monopoly on bad decisions in their history. She had had plenty of chances to reach out to him that she had let slip by her, out of her own fear. "What did I do, in your dream, when you called me?"

He smiled, thinking of it. "You didn't want me to be alone. You came over and were just there."

She smiled. "That sounds like me." If he'd caught her on a day when she wasn't caught up in her own issues, that is.

"Yeah. You've been there for me so many times; it's kinda nice to be here for you, now."

Before she would have protested, that he had been there for her, but now she just smiled, even though she knew he couldn't see her. "It's very nice." And then she glanced at the clock. "Are you going to work today?"

He groaned. "Yeah, yeah," he grumbled. "Have a good day. Call me if you need me." Again she marveled at how different it was this time. He wasn't trying to control everything. He was giving her space, giving her trust, and though she didn't see how it was possible, she appreciated it nonetheless.

"I will, Jack," she said, and it felt like a promise. Jack smiled, hanging up the phone. He had been floored to see the text from her at 2:37, reaching out to him when she wanted to, not trying to do it alone, not trying to prove anything to him or herself. The time itself was symbolic to him, seemed like a sign. And he had the sense that she really would call if she needed him, that she felt that she could. Thank God for his daughter, and her wise advice. Everything about this felt different, and it gave him hope for the future.

Samantha sat at a little table in the sun eating lunch with Hanna and Finn, feeling relaxed and, dare she say it, _happy_, and it felt like the world had shifted on its axis once again. Her view was different, forever changed, and she liked it. She was wearing another sundress, was away from work and not even feeling its pull. She was giving herself this time, and instead of hating it, was allowing herself to enjoy it fully. The appointment she'd been dreading went surprisingly well. She liked Dr. Martinez. They'd talked about her dreams and what they meant, talked about her feeling of powerlessness and what it represented for her, talked about ways to combat it before it materialized in the form of her dreams. Talked about the panic attacks and what they represented as well. She would be going twice a week for a while, and she saw it as giving her tools she needed to cope with the stress, not as a crutch, as she had feared trading one for another.

Thinking of Jack worrying about her, she sent him a quick text. _Went well. Having lunch with the kids, then going shopping for a dancing dress_. His reply was instantaneous. _Glad :)_ She figured he was saying he was glad for all three statements, and she was, too. And it made her smile, looking up at Hanna, knowing the happy face was her influence. Probably a lot of him now was her influence, and it made her think that he too was coming full circle, taking Hanna in when she'd needed him when in fact he'd needed her just as much. "You're so good for him," she told her warmly, and Hanna smiled. "So are you."

That made her think. She thought there were lots of times when she wasn't, and liked the thought that she was good for him now. This wouldn't work if it didn't go both ways. It couldn't be one of them leaning unhealthily on the other; they had to be good for each other.

That night, she made a simple dinner for Finn, and Jack texted that he would be late at the office, and would see her tomorrow. She did her homework and wrote down her fears before bed, leaving the notebook close so she could write down her dreams, and when she woke with a nightmare, she was able to breathe through it, and reached for the notebook to write everything down as she remembered it. Sleep came quickly after that, her dreams good ones this time.

She had another appointment today, since the weekend loomed ahead, and then a checkup with her doctor since she'd been out of the hospital two weeks. She was satisfied with the way she looked in the mirror, putting on a dress she hadn't worn in ages, figuring she'd lost the last stubborn ten pounds of baby weight that she'd never quite managed to get rid of. But at least she didn't look as pale and lifeless as she had in the hospital; looking at herself in the mirror, it hit her just how close she'd come this time. Sure, she'd had close calls before, been injured in the line of duty plenty of times. But this time… she almost didn't walk away this time. If it hadn't been for Jack… and Finn… giving her something to come back for… Dr. Martinez had said that it made perfect sense to want to reinvent her life after something like that, and she wasn't displeased with her progress, she thought, looking at herself now in the mirror. It was about damn time. She thought she would start working out again, if the doctor gave her the go-ahead, and she was ready to go when Hanna knocked on the door.

Dr. Abrams had been surprised with how much different she had looked, with how much progress she had made in such a short amount of time, and though it wasn't happening quite fast enough to suit her, she knew that it was due to Jack and the kids, to being in love again, with her own permission, this time. She was cleared to drive, and begin working out, though the doctor wanted her to start out light at first. They found the dress that had eluded her yesterday, and did some much-needed grocery shopping as well. Hanna dropped her off and took Finn home with her since tonight was her date with Jack, and in the quiet of her apartment, the butterflies in her stomach made an encore performance. When she opened the door for him, the look in his eyes was enough to make even the butterflies stop and take notice.

Even though Jack had only seen her last two days ago when he'd brought her home to her place, it felt like so much longer. When Samantha opened the door, he could only stand there and stare. She looked utterly radiant. Her color was back, she looked like she had finally gotten some sleep, and the new short style of her hair left her lovely throat and shoulders bare. She still looked thinner, but in the royal blue dress he had never seen her wear, she was a vision.

Figuring he'd stared long enough, he was finally able to move in closer to kiss her lightly. "Hey," he told her. "You look beautiful." When she made a face, he leaned in close to kiss her again. "Stunning, radiant, breathtaking." She rolled her eyes at him and opened the door wider to let him in, and he handed her the flowers he'd brought. He wasn't too sure about the flowers, but he was an old-fashioned guy at heart, and he'd wanted to give her flowers. It was something he'd never done. Besides, Hanna had said she'd love them, so he was relying on her advice. It seemed that Hanna was giving him a lot of advice lately, and he wasn't ashamed to admit that he could certainly use it. He wasn't too proud at this point to admit that he'd done a lot of things wrong, and he'd do whatever it took to get it right this time.

And he was also relying on the advice of the lady at the flower shop. When she took them mutely, wide-eyed, he began to mumble an explanation. "I… uh… I wanted something to show you how I feel. The lady at the flower place said that red means love, longing, respect and devotion. The white are for new beginnings. The pink are for admiration, joy and gratitude. The orange are for passion, pride and fascination. The blue means 'I can't have you but I can't stop thinking about you.' There's only one of those because that's our past. The rest are our present and our future."

She couldn't stop looking at them, and at him. "They're beautiful. Thank you." She hugged him, trying hard not to cry, and was almost successful at pushing back her tears. "I've never... I've ever gotten flowers before." He was very glad, and took her hand, closing the door behind them, as she was still standing there looking stunned. "Let's go put them in water."

He had found a hotel with a dark, quiet restaurant and a piano bar with dancing, and she'd looked at him askance when he'd pulled in. "You didn't get a room here, did you?" she asked him, and he grinned.

"I thought it was a little soon for that, but next time, I definitely will." She smiled at that, definitely liking the sound of that. It felt like they were starting over, and it felt good.

Both the food and the music afterward were incredible, and the piano player knew "The Way You Look Tonight," which was one of his new favorites, thanks to his daughters. Even though their dancing mainly consisted of moving together to the music, all of it was enchanting, and exactly what he'd wanted to do. It was incredibly romantic, exactly what he was going for, and every second that he held her close and every time her eyes met his he was more thankful than he'd ever been to have this chance with her.

When they left, Samantha was surprised that he drove her directly to his house to collect her son, especially after that conversation they'd had on the phone. She had been looking forward to that "fooling around," and he laughed at her disgruntled expression. Turning off the car, he turned to her. "If we'd gone to your place, I wouldn't have been able to leave," he admitted, and she smiled softly, understanding what he was trying to do, and loving him for it.

She wrapped her arms around his neck. "I love you, Jack Malone, more than I ever thought possible. I hope you know that." She kissed him, and then again, and he couldn't help pulling her closer and taking her deeper, holding nothing back. When they finally pulled back, smiling, she traced his features lovingly. "Thank you for a beautiful first date. I'll never forget it."

"I love you, and it's just the first of many," he told her, taking her hand from his face and kissing it lingeringly. He carried her sound-asleep son to the car, buckled him in and drove them home, kissing her good night at her door, pleased with the new beginning they had started tonight. At home, after telling Hanna good night, he rummaged through his drawers until he found what he was looking for.

Opening the box, his grandmother's engagement and wedding rings sparkled up at him, full of history and meaning, waiting as he was, and he knew that she would love them, knew that she would get it, as surely as he'd known that Maria would not, so many years ago, and hadn't bothered to bring it up. The time wasn't right yet, but after tonight, he knew that it would be soon, and he knew that his grandmother would have approved.

TBC…


	23. Elevator Revelations

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**A/N:** Oops, sorry for the delay. And I have it finished already, but not happy with it. Oh, well, I'm posting it anyways. Just a few more chapters to go.

**Twenty Two:** Elevator Revelations

It was late when Jack and Danny finally got back to the office. It had been a long, exhausting, fruitless day, and both of them were looking forward to going home to their families. Danny didn't even bother going back up to the office, but headed straight for his car with Jack's blessing. He, on the other hand, had no reason to go home. Kate was back at home with her mother, and he knew Hanna was at home watching Finn with the continuance of their case. He thought hopefully that maybe he could persuade Samantha to get a bite to eat with him, since he knew he could no more go home at this point in the case than she could.

It was a surprise when, just as the elevator doors began to close, a slender hand slipped between them, and he immediately pressed the open button, only to see the doors slide open to reveal the one person it felt like he had waited all day to see. She stepped in without a word.

To his surprise and delight, Samantha seemed just as glad to see him as he was to see her. Her eyes stayed on his for a long moment, and then a slow smile began to spread its way across her face. Just as evident as the enjoyment on her face was the heat in her eyes. He became aware that they had seen very little of each other out of work all this week since she'd returned to duty, and he suddenly wondered how that could be and how he could have allowed it. Right now, she was all he could see.

She stepped closer, her eyes dropping to his mouth for a long drawn-out moment, and he knew that it didn't matter however long it took for her to be ready. He would be here. He watched her take a step closer, and then another, unable to drag his eyes away.

Samantha had never been more conscious of her own power as a woman as well as the sway that she held over this man than she was in this moment. She couldn't believe her mind had ever had any doubt; it was right here for her to see, and had been, all along. And yet the power he had over her was just as undeniable. His magnetism had always drawn her as unerringly as a compass needle. Just like right now. She suddenly realized that it had been over a week since they'd had more than five minutes alone together, and that was unacceptable. She had half a mind to reach over and slap the emergency stop button to suspend them here alone together for a few stolen moments. But hell, that wouldn't be enough for her. When this case was over, she vowed, she would stop being a coward and take what she wanted. She was happy that her recovery had progressed enough that all of her doctors deemed her fit to return to work. There was one more step, however, that she needed to take to be whole.

The sharp jolt of the elevator car stopping abruptly made her realize that they had in fact been in motion. The door slid open behind her, jolting her out of the trance that was Jack Malone. She turned toward the sound as a whole group of people stepped in, necessitating her shift straight into his personal space, moving in closer and closer until she could feel her back glance against his chest. She felt the tension immediately in his hard body behind hers, and fought against the consuming desire to lean more thoroughly into him. As it was, she could hardly breathe with his closeness, the warmth of him burning her alive, his breath hot on the back of her neck.

She swayed suddenly with the overload of desire just being this close to him sent surging through her system, and was both relieved and panicked when his hands shot out and clamped around her hips, with desperation, she thought with a quick smug grin. For all his newly-found restraint, he wanted this as much as she did. That made her lips curl evilly as she shifted her hips back just a fraction to brush against his, and felt rather than heard his barely-supressed groan from its point of origin in his chest. Conversation drifted around them as the doors closed and the car began to move, and neither of them could have said who shared the car with them to save their lives. They were the only two people in the world right now.

Jack realized suddenly that Sam knew exactly what she was doing to him. She was enjoying this. And he remembered his own vow that he would play as dirty as he had to this time to get what he wanted. Noting that her body was directly in front on his and essentially covered him from view, he used it to his advantage. Sliding his hands from where they rested on her hips lower inch by inch, until he could slip them beneath the hem of the jacket she wore, he now slid them higher, camouflaged as they now were by the material. Slowly, slowly, they inched over her flat belly until his thumbs grazed the expanse of bare skin just above the waistband of her pants. Stroking softly, he felt the tension in her body grow exponentially even though the skin he was touching was far from intimate, for them.

Samantha couldn't breathe. Couldn't move. Couldn't even think right now. All of her thought processes were frozen by the barest touch of his skin on hers. And she knew suddenly that she couldn't wait until the case was over. Or maybe they'd be that much more motivated to wrap it up in, oh, say, the next half hour or so. Because right now she was on fire. In an elevator full of people.

The car stopped and the group of people got out as one, the doors closing in near silence as neither one of them dared to move. Then the car began to move and, as if realizing that its next stop would be their floor and the end of this, they began to move in earnest.

Samantha's hand shot out to slap that emergency stop button even as Jack's hands went back to her hips, pushing her against the closest wall and pinning her to it with his hips even as his hands slid swiftly up her body to frame her face as he kissed her, hot and hungry and hard. Their bodies absorbed the jolt of the sudden shock happily as they melted against each other in the space of a heartbeat, moaning their approval in incoherent syllables. It had been too long.

"God, Jack, come home with me tonight. It's been too long… I need you." She moaned as soon as she managed to get the words out, because he had taken advantage of her taking her mouth from his to speak to latch onto the soft skin of her throat.

He pressed his hips into hers, shamelessly pressing his advantage while he knew damn well she was at her weakest. "Come home with me, tonight, and never leave," he rasped against her skin. Her eyes on his were wide and shocked that he would go there, _here_, and he pressed on. "Damn it, Samantha, forgive yourself. Let me love you. We can make it work this time."

Damn the man. She had thought she could tempt him, this once, but he wasn't backing down, wasn't backing away from what they both knew was the point of no return. And right now she was too weak to refuse, too mindless to recall all the reasons this taking it slow had seemed like a good idea. She melted, and he could see it, pressing his point even more. "Please, baby." Yeah, he was begging. She was the only woman alive who could make him beg. And she knew it. Closing her eyes, she sagged against his chest, falling, melting, no longer having the will to punish herself this much. She simply wanted him too badly to torture herself any longer. Finally she lifted her eyes to his. "Okay," she whispered, stopping his heart for a long moment as the word sank in.

And then he was kissing her again, a vow that he would never break.

How they had ever gotten out of that elevator Jack would never know. He just knew that they were going to break this case, damn it, because he needed to make good on the promise he'd made. And, amazingly, the phone rang as soon as he stepped into his office, before his pulse rate had had a chance to even get anywhere close to normal again. And they had a lead. And, as usual, no time.

Samantha looked up to see Jack barreling out of his office, shrugging into his jacket as he moved, surprise that he was already out of it at all turning quickly to amusement as she realized the state he'd been in when they'd walked out of that elevator. She'd been too busy coming back to earth herself to notice, and that was something. Work was work, for both of them. "Shots fired at a club. It's our guy." He didn't have to tell her he wanted her with him; she already knew. She was up out of her chair and on his heels in an instant, and then they were back in the elevator.

She smirked at him, stepping closer at he ran his hands restlessly through his hair, her fingers deftly refastening the top button of his shirt that he had so recently loosened, and then adjusting his tie. Smoothing down his lapels like she probably had a hundred times before, the smirk became a gentle smile as she realized that this was the first time she had done this particular action and actually felt that she had the right to. She wanted that, very much, she realized. She wanted to be the one to have the right to touch him whenever she wanted. The only one. She stepped back out of his personal space and into a more professional one, her smile dropping right off of her face as she absorbed the impact of that particular thought.

Forever? With Jack Malone? She realized with a pang that left her breathless that she had never, _not once_, indulged in the possibility that what they had—or could have—could ever be long term. She'd simply never allowed herself to go there. His family came first, her son came first, he wasn't built for it, she wasn't built for it… so many excuses and reasons to hide behind, and it all came down to fear. Didn't it? Did he want forever? With her? Because she had suddenly realized out of the blue in the elevator that she did.

Jack looked at her suddenly, and she wondered if she was hyperventilating. Because right now she didn't think she could breathe. "Hey, you okay?" he asked, and she nodded, trying to adopt a somewhat-normal-looking smile.

"Yeah." As okay as she could be with the axis shift she was dealing with just now.

TBC…


	24. Still Waiting

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**A/N:** An M chapter. Back to the plot in the next chapter. :)

**Twenty Three:** Still Waiting

It was late when they finished at the scene, their missing person found alive, though he was taken into custody after taking vengeance into his own hands. Not their problem anymore. Their part was done. A light rain had been falling for some time, and as Samantha returned to the car, all she could see was Jack, standing there leaning against it, waiting for her, that patient expression on his face that she never would have thought she'd associate with him, but did now. As well as she knew him and knew his patterns and his thought processes, he could still surprise her. He was waiting patiently for her. As she knew he had never done with another. Suddenly everything was so simple, just as it was in the hospital, when she'd opened her eyes and he was there. Waiting.

She took in every detail, his damp hair falling in spikes over his brow, droplets landing on his face and staying there unnoticed, because all of his focus right now was on her. His arms were folded across his chest and his expression was implacable as always, but his eyes were warm on hers. She felt that warmth in her bones, in her blood that was now racing in her veins. Crossing slowly to him, feeling the weight of his gaze, she had the sensation that she was crossing a much wider expanse, the gulf that had existed between them for so long, if only in her mind, and his. Of crossing an invisible line that had seemed insurmountable for so long. It seemed so easily breached now it was laughable.

Jack couldn't take his eyes off of her as she stepped closer, into his space, into his arms as he slowly wrapped them around her. There was no one around to see them, and for once, he was past the point of caring. His eyes held the gravity of this moment. He had told her he'd wait as long as it took, but really, he was so tired of waiting, so tired of all of this. He wanted everything to be as simple as it had been when he almost lost her. The two of them together was all that mattered to him now.

She ran her fingers through his damp hair as the mist continued to fall around them. She felt the back of his hand trace down her face, knew she was just as wet as he was and was beyond caring. "Yes," she said quietly, every emotion she had ever felt for him carried in that single syllable. He closed his eyes in thanks and leaned his forehead against hers, just enjoying being this close to her. He didn't dare kiss her now because he knew if he started here he'd never stop.

Then the urgency of the past few weeks caught up to him and he pulled back to look into her eyes. "But right now we're going to your place, because there's no one there and I'm going to make you scream."

Heat flared through her body at the dark sincerity in his eyes, and she froze, her hands on his chest. "Jack." She didn't want to wait another moment. She wanted him now. She licked her lips, staring into his eyes as the intensity built between them, and then he was taking her hand and dragging her around the car, closing the door behind her and quickly around and sliding into the driver's seat, more urgent than he had been about anything in a long while. Maybe ever.

She watched him drive, laughing as he went straight to her place. "You don't want to go by the office first?" she teased him, and was rewarded with a mock dark glare.

"It can wait," he said tersely, and it warmed her to know that he had been suffering just as much as she had. He looked back at her, his face softening. "We can't."

She laid her hand on his thigh. "No, we can't. Hurry." He laid his hand over hers, and drove faster.

At her apartment, all of his plans to give her the romance she deserved were out the window. It had been too long, and all he could think about was claiming her as his, the way he should have a long time ago. And Samantha was on the same page. As soon as he shut off the car she was turning into him, kissing him desperately, her hands finding his skin because she needed to touch him, uncaring of anything but this. It was enough for long, heated, frantic moments until hands became searching and what skin they could reach wasn't enough, for either of them.

No words were needed. Both doors shot open, and then they were in her building and in the elevator, blessedly alone but it wouldn't have mattered if they weren't. Samantha pushed him back into the wall, kissing him fiercely, ready to rip off his clothes and take him right here. It amused them both that he was the one with the self-control right now, who gentled the kiss until the car stopped, and then he was pulling her by the hand down the hall to her apartment, taking the key from her shaking hands and getting the door open somehow while she kept kissing him, unable to stop.

Dragging her in, he pushed the door closed by shoving her roughly against it, putting his mouth back on hers in a hurry, needing her too much for romance and waiting, pinning her to it with his hips while she moaned her encouragement of his single-minded haste. Somewhere between her relieving him of his shirt and his pants he managed to get the locked twisted, and somehow she found the strength to push on his chest and propel him far enough to reach the couch. There was no making it to the bedroom, not this time.

He let her be the aggressor this time, barely able to slide her soaked suit coat and her shirt free, struggling with the pants before she was straddling him in see-through soaking wet bra and panties, and she couldn't wait to tug off his stubborn boxers before she was tugging him through the never-so-useful slit in the front and lowering herself down on top of him, inch by inch until she was impaled and arching her back mindlessly from the instantaneous overwhelming pleasure of being filled completely by him after too, too long. Likewise, he had to throw back his own head against the cushions and shout his pleasure, very glad they had come here rather than his place because this was going to be _loud_.

And then she was leaning over him to kiss him ravenously, her tongue tangling with his, teeth clashing, staking her claim, rising and falling above him with the help of his strong hands on her hips, breaking the kiss only to move her mouth down the strong column of his throat to lick and nip and suck his skin into her mouth while still plunging desperately, driving him deep with each mind-numbing stroke. She arched back again, the overpowering sensations of him inside her too much to resist as she came hard, screaming his name while he grinned his satisfaction and then, the knife's edge of pleasure and pain receded and she was able to concentrate on him. Still moving sensuously over him, she concentrated her efforts on squeezing her inner muscles around him, lifting her hands from his chest up her own body while he watched, entranced, as she released the front clasp to free her breasts.

Jack growled wordlessly at the look in her eyes, _for him_, sliding his hands up her stomach to take hold of her breasts, grinning darkly when she moaned loudly and arched back again, letting her ride him more slowly now as he filled his hands and mouth with her, flicking his tongue as he remembered she liked, the memories firing off in his brain even while he recorded new ones. He groaned deeply when she found her rhythm, and he knew he wasn't going to last, so he concentrated on taking her with him, his hands returning to her hips to hold her still while he thrust into her powerfully, every needy sound from her lips pushing him higher still. "YES! JACK! Please! More! OH…"

"Sam_, tell me_," he ground out, knowing that the sound of his voice right now affected her as strongly as hers was affecting him.

"More, _please,_ I need… more…" she wailed, panting for breath, as the need for oxygen right now was secondary to the need for him. He sank his teeth into the delicate skin of her throat, holding her where he wanted her as he thrust harder, deeper, throwing them both over the edge into ecstasy as she clenched tightly around him and screamed out her release. His name on her lips was the last straw as he let himself go without conscious thought, groaning out her name as the most explosive release of his life went on… and on… and on…

He didn't know how much time had passed that they lay there, holding tightly to each other, only that when she was finally able to pull back and look down at him, she was grinning as widely as he knew he was, both of them soaked with sweat as well as rainwater by now. And that look of love she held only for him was back in her eyes. He let himself drown in that look, in the feeling it gave him, knowing he would never again take it for granted, take _her_ for granted. She meant too much to him for that.

Samantha had played out the moment they were finally together again so many times in her mind, but this was better—_so much better_—than she could have imagined, and amazingly, there was no time to be self-conscious or unsure of either of them right now. The look in his eyes as he washed her lovingly in the shower negated all of her fears without a word spoken. She had never felt as beautiful as she did as seen through his eyes, and this time wasn't any different. Likewise, he had never been more beautiful to her. She washed him just as carefully, just as lovingly, enjoying the small sounds of pleasure he made and the way he leaned into her touch and the way his eyes slid closed as she washed his hair painstakingly. She loved that she had the right to touch him however and whenever she liked, the glorious knowledge that he was _hers_ never more evident than it was right now.

Jack couldn't help but think that as many times as they had been here before, they had never before been _here_, where they were right now, with the knowledge that this was something more than either of them had experienced either together or with anyone else. He knew that this woman knew him better than anyone else ever had and loved him regardless. Just as he loved her. He got sidetracked with drying her in front of the mirror, having just a flash of her propped up on the vanity with him pounding into her, but there'd be time for that later. Right now he wanted to worship her body in bed, where he could stretch out next to her and touch her however he wanted. The long nights away from her after spending so many together had shown him just how much he was missing in not having her there in his bed, every instant that he was there without her. It felt wrong now, somehow. As if he was missing something vital.

Drying her carefully, he couldn't help but see how luminous her eyes were, lit with love for him the way they'd been so many times, that look she had for him unique to her. No one else had ever looked at him like that, and he thought he was an idiot for not recognizing it for so long. He knew better now. He was never going to let her go. He knew in this moment that he would do whatever it took to keep that look in her eyes for the rest of his life.

Samantha had lost all track of time. She could no longer remember why she had allowed herself to be away from this man for so long. Only that it wasn't happening again, if she could help it. Stretching out next to him in her bed, a place that had been much too empty for far too long without him there, she couldn't imagine ever being here without him again. Right now she couldn't get enough of his touch, his taste, his smell. She kissed him long and languorously, before moving her mouth down his throat, loving the taste of his clean dry skin, completely lost in the contrasting textures of his body. She moved down his chest, her hands and her mouth and her tongue cataloguing every inch she encountered as she looked up to find him watching her with that smoky-dark look of rapture in his eyes, quickly replaced by that rare mischievous look she treasured, before he cut her playtime to a swift end and it was his turn to tease her as he lifted her effortlessly, laying her back into the pillows for his own feast of the senses.

God, he loved seeing her like this. As much as he loved her fire and her passion, he loved seeing her pliant and melting under him just as much. Because it was only for him. Knowing her as he did, he didn't imagine that she would submit this much of herself to anyone but him, would cede this much of her precious control, and he loved knowing that he was the only one who could do this to her, the only one who could reduce her to a shuddering, desperate mass of nerves, the only man who could make her beg. Having worked his way halfway down her delectable body, inch by sensitive inch tasted and awakened and inflamed, he looked up into her eyes just as his tongue snaked out to taste her for the first time, savoring the moment that the shock _he_ sent through her body sent every muscle and nerve ending into a frenzy. Loving the fact that so soon after he had had her moaning and arching over him, he could bring her this much pleasure with just one touch.

He had no words for how much he was enjoying this, feeling the urgent responses of her body and hearing her desperate pleas for more. And her fervent reactions only made him harder and hotter for her, barely able to hold himself back until he brought her to a shaking, screaming finish using only his mouth before he was over her and sliding himself inside her, letting her wrap herself around him, just as hungry once again for him as he was for her. Her mouth on his skin, her teeth in his shoulder, her nails in his back all served to dismiss the leisurely lover he had tried to be for her and in his place was an animal who could do nothing but take her hard, so he did, feeling in every aspect of her response just how much she adored this side of him as well.

Her body's explosive responses to him propelled him over the edge far more quickly than he had anticipated and he tried to move to the side to keep from crushing her, his heart full as he felt her reaction, as she held him tightly, refusing to let him move even an inch away as their hearts beat together and they breathed each other's air. Looking into her eyes, feeling his body relax into hers, he was faced with the realization that nothing had felt as right to him as this in a long, long time.

TBC…


	25. Forever

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**Twenty Four:** Forever

Lying there side by side, still holding each other tightly while catching their breath and letting their pulses slowly return to normal, reminded Samantha of the old days, their old days. This was the time when they would lie together, casually touching and talking once their physical release of passion had been spent. They told themselves—at least she had—that it was just physical and no one would get hurt, but this was the part that belied that assertion; as they shared parts of themselves that no one else knew, they began to get closer and closer in a way that she knew now would bind their souls together for the foreseeable future. She felt like that now, like they were bound and still winding themselves more tightly together, but this time, maybe, if they were lucky, nothing would be able to come between them again.

"So how is it here, now?" he asked her, and she knew he was referring to spending her nights alone after sleeping with him for so many nights. She never stopped running her hand along his face and the contours of his body, barely seeing him but instead taking him in through her sense of touch, recording everything she took in through her fingertips.

"It's the same, and different, too." She had never lived with him, before. They had spent nights together, occasionally, but it had been different, waking up with him every morning, and even though it had been for the purpose of her recovery, she had enjoyed it very much. She thought that it was something she could get used to on a permanent basis very quickly. She looked up at him, then looked away, for fear of getting too close, too fast. "It's familiar, and it's lonely, too, now without you here."

He liked the sound of that very much, liked the idea that she missed going to sleep with him and waking up with him just as much as he did, with her. He moved in closer, kissing her neck lingeringly. "Whenever you're ready to make it permanent, just say the word. I'm ready to have you with me all the time, have been for a while."

She looked at him in shock, surprised to hear him say it out loud. "We never really… we never really talked about it, before." Because both of them were so sure that it wouldn't last, both of them so sure that they would respectively do something to screw it up.

"We should have," he said quietly. "_I_ should have. I should have told you that it was forever, for me. I should have given you my ring a long time ago."

Samantha looked at him, stunned into silence. Never had they gone there before. She hadn't thought about getting married. She'd thought he never would again, after the disaster of his marriage.

"I want forever, with you," he said quietly, no doubt anywhere in his eyes, so resolutely that his confidence gave her the courage to believe in it with him. "I want us to be a family: you, me, Finn and my girls. I want to give you another child, if you want one, part of both of us, together. Before I left for vacation, I was looking into the possibilities, for the future. I can retire, if I want to, and I've had more offers in the private sector. But I've also had an offer of a promotion, a desk job, if I want it, that I could take if we were together, so that we wouldn't have to keep hiding from the Bureau." He smiled at the way her mouth dropped open in shock, his fingers sifting through her short hair and moving carefully over her newest scars, reminders to him of how close he almost came to losing her, for good.

"I did a lot of thinking out there at the beach, in the middle of nowhere, away from everything but my girls. It was easy, there, to pinpoint what was the most important to me, and all I came up with, apart from the girls and Finn, was you." His fingers traced over her face, her delicate bone structure, her lips, her jaw. "I was going to come back here and take the job and ask you to try again, with me, not necessarily in that order," he said softly. "And then I got that call, and I thought it was too late." He took a deep breath, remembering that horrible, horrific moment, and the desolation that had enshrouded him. "I don't ever want to feel like that again, that you're lost to me."

Samantha had no words. She couldn't process everything that he had said, so she just stared, at him, knowing that there was nothing that she could ever say or do to make her worthy of this man.

Jack had to chuckle a little, at the shell-shocked look on her face. He kissed her softly. "Hold that thought. I'll be right back."

She thought he was just going to the bathroom, so she was even more shocked when, upon his return, he stopped at her side of the bed, waiting patiently for her to turn over to look at him, grinning at the frozen astonishment on her face when she saw him there, down on one knee in his boxer shorts, because he thought that was a little more dignified than doing it buck naked. Of course, he'd planned on doing this at a fine restaurant, but somehow the timing seemed right, and he'd decided in a split second that it had to be now. Of course he had the ring with him; he'd been carrying it around with him for a while now.

He looked up at her, staring down at him with her mouth open in shock, and took her hand. "Samantha Spade, I love you with everything I am. Will you marry me?"

What could she say to that? She had loved him forever, but had never thought that he could possibly be hers. They had done things ass-backwards from the beginning. She had made so many mistakes. She had never thought far enough ahead for this to be a possibility. And it was funny to think that out of the two of them, he would be the one to make this grand romantic gesture, that he would be the one to want forever, to believe them capable of it together, even when she didn't.

She had never thought she would get married, had never thought she would be able to move on from him enough to love anyone else and surely never thought he would feel this way about her, but he really didn't leave her much of a choice. Even as she knew she didn't deserve him, even as she knew how short life could be and everything that could possibly go wrong in the space of a heartbeat, she also knew that life was too short not to go after what you really wanted, and she'd lived long enough to know she would never love anyone the way she loved this man: truly, completely, without care or compunction.

He even had a ring, a beautiful antique ring that sparkled in the moonlight filtering in through the blinds, and all the reasons she once would have had for saying "no" no longer seemed valid when she looked at him, strong and hopeful and steadfast. But she had no words right now, couldn't make herself speak through the lump in her throat, so she nodded through her tears and pulled him up by his shoulders to kiss him deeply, relieved when he followed her down to the bed and pinned her to it with his body, taking over the kiss until it took on a life of its own, becoming everything that they wanted and needed to say to each other.

Finally she opened her eyes and looked at him, surprising him with the fierceness of her expression. "I won't ever be lost to you," she said, and kissed him again, hoping to express everything she felt for him, when words were inadequate.

And then later, much later, he slid it onto her finger. "It was my grandmother's. Let me tell you about her…"

TBC…


End file.
